would you look at that. its new years eve. 2023 is finally coming to a close, thank fuck. its been a long year for me, and one full of ups and downs. a lot of downs, tbh. its been rough, but i made it, i guess.

this was the year i really got into making this site, i guess. i redid this site like 6 times this year, got past 100 followers, and made it to over 100k views. pretty impressive, i guess. as for how i feel about my website, im still not sure. idk, i see it as a part of me, and im glad i was able to make it into something enjoyable. idk, i dont really have the words, i think. idk, i'm just happy i made this site into something i wanted. it helps me feel a little good about myself, for once. like, i finally did something im kinda proud of. its a nice feeling, even if its a rare one. to everyone whos supported this site up till now, thanks, i guess.

as for my personal life, its not as simple. 2023 was full of a lot of bad times for me. i went through a lot of grief, many nights spent crying, and tons of bouts of depression. usually shit, but still bad. i just still feel inadequate as a person, like im not good enough, and i never will be. i still feel like i wasted my life so far, never being able to do what i want. im stuck on a strict path downwards, and i hate it. with me turning 18 in a few months, i do not feel any better about it either. soon, my teen years are gonna be over. the best years of my life, spent in dark rooms and cheap apartments. its tiresome, really. very tiresome.

i lost two dogs, two of my best friends ever. one of them i killed, arguably by accident. im still dealing with it, i think. im not sad, just reflective. i still miss them. i still wonder if things couldve been different, but i know theres no use in dwelling on it. my sisters still missing, ran off with some bastard she met online, back in april. as much as i hope shes okay, i still resent her for everything she did to me. all the lies she told, the beatings i had to take, everything. im still holding onto it, huh. whatever. i could say more, but i admittedly hate having to talk about personal things directly, so thats all i'll say about my life rn. other than the fact that i almost went homeless in september too lol. oh well.

a few people tried to get close to me. i didnt like it. tiring, predictable, fake. thats what they all were. just annoying. im not sure why, but a lot of people get on my nerves these days. theyre boring. they bring out the worst in me. the ones before them did, too. im tired of being a joke, a sounding board, a support system for egoists who think their lives are bigger than everyone elses. its the same as always, im always dissatisfied with others. maybe im just too much of a downer now, maybe its just my bitterness showing. i dont wanna be alone. im not quite sure what i want, anymore.

ive lost a lot of myself this year. struggling with realities and truths i didnt wanna know. struggling with myself. all of that bullshit. its just a fucking drag, really. i dont wanna get into it, it hurts to think about. its just the usual. idk, i feel oddly introspective. but i feel sad, too. regretful. i feel like i did nothing, even if i did a lot this year. i just dont know, i feel lost. really damn lost. i just wanna feel something good for once, just a minute or so, where i can lay down, and not have to think. no one else, not even my own intrustive thoughts. just me, in a field, staring up at the night sky. thats where i wanna be.

lifes hard, its complicated, and i always have to wonder if its worth the risks. should i go on, knowing every ending is one that terrifies me? is this really worth my time? probably not. but i keep going anyway. im not sure why anymore. i dont want to. i just feel like i have to. everyone says i should, so, why not. im just living out of obligation, and at that point, are you really alive? i dont know. i really dont. i feel like i havent made any progress. im no better than i was before, and i dont know how, or why, but i just feel so empty. maybe life never lost its shine. maybe im the one who lost it.

my feelings on this year are complicated. this was one of the most painful years of my life. a lot of mental struggles, a lot of emotional pain. some ive listed here, and some i'll keep with me till the day i finally die. 2023 wasnt a bad year, per se. 2023 was exhausting, very exhausting. i dont have much else to say.

idk, maybe i shouldnt feel this down. i spent a year, building and developing something ive learned to love. i went through a lot of changes, and while i hated all of them, im glad its over. this year wasnt the best, but i guess theres some value to be found in it. fuck, i feel like im rambling, its so hard to find the words for things sometimes.

to the kind people who support this site, thanks. it means a lot to me that you morons think this shitshow of a website looks good. in all seriousness, i really do appreciate it. despite how down ive been this year, it at least made me happy to see this site grow. idk why people like it, but its fine that they do. i have a few things planned for both myself and the site next year, and im pretty excited for it. i wanna do more things, i guess. happy new year.

its christmas, and i couldnt care less tbh. ive never celebrated, since my family isnt that big, and is too poor to really get into festivities.this is just any other monday to me.

or at least it would be, if i didnt hit fucking 100k views today. im pretty proud of that, it feels nice knowing that people view and appreciate this trashheap of a website. i dont really think im anyone special or talented. there are tons of sites better than mine. but i guess its nice that people regard my site too.

ill save some of my thoughts on the topic for when new years comes around, but thanks for the support anyways. idk, im kinda tired. ill probably go back to updating less now, i wanna take some more time for myself. i still have a bit planned for this site, though. i wanna add more pages that are centered around my opinions on random things. shit like media, concepts, life i guess. idk, i just feel like i should start putting more of that stuff here. oh well.

happy holidays, or something.

no depressed shit this time, just a small update. i've been extremely busy with work here. like, really fucking busy. i got an entire fucking shrine done in a day. that kind of busy.

idk, ive just had a lot of motivation to update the site a ton lately. oh well. the sites near 100k views now, thats pretty damn cool. tbh i wanna take a break, but i also wanna keep working too. idk. i dont have many more ideas for shrines rn, so i think i'll shift my focus to making new original pages. im just kinda tired too, i guess. idk.

i'll probably take a huge break after 100k views. maybe.

ive just been feeling really tiresome today. i guess i came to a realization, or something. maybe just a reminder. something always happens to bring it up, i guess. im just tired. sad. introspective, i guess.

im just tired of being an outsider. stuck in the middle. too cold, but too hot. i can just never keep up with anyone, i can never find the right words to say, or thoughts to think. i cant feel. or at least, not the right way. and i hate that. because it means im nothing. it means im as weak and naive as i always feared i was. just some broken moron, chasing dreams and beliefs that dont even matter anymore.

i just want these feelings to end already. but i know they wont, theyll keep going till i die. i dont wanna die. but i will, and it scares me now. i just wanna know what its like to be human, i think. i wanna feel something real. i wanna be good enough for someone. i want to matter. but i dont. i dont matter. and nothings gonna change that.

im not gonna get peace, or some happy ending. its because im not capable of it. im not deserving of it, i wont get it. i cant understand living, maybe i never did.

i feel like im going in circles. ive said this before, ill say it all again soon. just some worthless cycle. i want it to stop.

you ever just feel like you cant live past a certain point? like your life has a timer, and once you reach a certain age, youre just not supposed to go any longer? thats how i feel a lot.

i still dont think i can make it as an adult. im gonna be 18 in like, 4 months or whatever. im still not ready. i dont think i ever will be. its not that i cant be responsible, or mature. id like to think i am. its just that, everything seems so tiring. i dont really wanna live past a certain point, for some reason. jobs, college, it all seems so boring to me. so monotonous, so repetitive. id be giving away any remaining bit of freedom i have, probably. it sounds tiresome.

maybe my perception of it is just kinda skewed. ive always been sheltered from that stuff, because of my parents and their amazing idea of keeping me holed up in a house for most of life. i just dont think i wanna do any of that. i hate knowing that a part of me plans to die at 25. i hate knowing that i just dont want to shoulder things much longer. im not entitled, i see the point in everything id have to do. i know i can handle the weight. i just dont want to anymore. i just feel really damn pressured, like i have to make some big decision about it soon. i dont wanna live and die as some lonely, worthless, blue-collar lapdog.

idk, those are just thoughts that cross my mind sometimes. its hard, i guess.

just thought i'd do another small entry here, nothing that big has happened with me recently. i dont know, i just dont have much i really feel the need to talk about, i guess. the sites been doing well, and ive been feeling alright lately.

i still have a lot of motivation to get work here done, but i just dont know where to go now. i wanna add something, but im not sure what. for now, i think i'll just test out ideas and see what works. i dont know, i just wanna get something done for a change.

sorry for the lack of big diary entries by the way, i just dont really feel anything that notable rn.

time for just a small entry, i dont have much to say rn. i just feel like i should write one, i guess. idk, i wanna get into the habit of updating this place more often.

not much has happened this month, especially since last blog. just the same old stuff. nothing usual. it's a little boring, but i guess its fine. rn, i'm just trying to focus on the site, and updating it as much as i can. idk, i guess i've just regained my passion here. its kinda fun.

i have a lot of stuff planned, and im surprisingly in the mood to get it done. idk, itll be cool, i guess.

it only took like, forever, but the big updates finally here. on this date, back in 2022, i returned to this site to finally make something out of it. a year later, it looks like this. a site i can call my own, with over 100 follows, and damn near 90k views.

i'll be honest, when i first made this site, i thought of quitting again so many times. i was worried that my site just wasn't up to standard with anything else. i felt inferior. i dont anymore, lol. thats really it. i dont know why im more confident with this place now, i just am. im happy with it, and i look forward to managing it even longer than i already have.

feels a little weird to write something positive here, but i guess i should. to everyone whos supported this site so far, thanks, i guess. means a lot to me.

happy anniversary, me. now i can finally go take a fucking break lol.

well, it's december now. woohoo. cant believe its gonna be a year since i restarted this site, soon. pretty cool. currently in the middle of a pretty big site update. its a lot more ambitious then the ones before, and im excited to release it.

to be honest, i feel pretty good today. kinda sad, but not too much. if anything, im pretty chill. idk, i think im just gonna get back to work rn.

well, the first part of the eventual site update is finished. time to do like 14 more pages, woohoo. im tired, i feel burnt out. kinda pissed off too.

i'm just kinda sick of things, i don't know, i won't get into it. i don't have the energy to. i just feel like i'm good for nothing again.

woohoo, vent entry time. ventry, if you will.

i just feel like, kinda tired. drained, alone. i don't know. a little aimless, i think. i've been going over a lot of stuff, in my life. the year's gonna be over soon, i'll be 18 next year, shits going by fast. i dont feel like im fast enough to keep up. i just want some escape, i think. to be something else, to do better things.

i feel like a disappointment, but im not sure to what. probably myself. theres so many issues, ones ive stated time and time before. theres problems i cant talk about. i wont. i'll allude to it, but i won't say it. i just feel drifting, like at any moment, something's just gonna collapse. i look at my life, and i wonder if its really worth anything. my childhood sucked, but, it had some good moments. i had some good memories, which means it mustve been good. but i know thats not it, i know i still got beaten, and screamed at, lied about, berated, all sorts of bullshit. but i cant help but feel i dont deserve to feel as sad as i do.

i just cant understand things. im losing a grasp on things i believed in, on what i wanted to be. i dont wanna end up like them. but i know i could, and it scares me. i feel a lot of regret. i wasted years upon years, doing nothing. i still wanna do things, but i cant. its too late to live, to have some sort of voice. wont be long till my existence becomes even less interesting, as i get relegated to some solitary side-character with a tedious life. i won't ever be anything, i don't like that.

what do i want? freedom? love? substance? im not sure, i just know that i probably wont find it. maybe i dont need it. lifes just stagnant like that, i guess. even still, nothing has happened. what a letdown.

another minor entry, not much to say here. i feel tired, and a bit burnt out from all the updates, tbh. maybe i should take a break, oh well. the site got posted to tumblr, thats pretty cool. other than that, nothing else i wanna say. just a small entry here to let people know im still alive.

once again, sorry for the lack of updates, ive just been busy working on some other stuff. im planning another layout update at least, so there's that i guess. otherwise, i've just been doing fine. kinda bored, tbh. oh well. i passed 100 followers a few days ago. that was cool.

to be honest, i dont really have anything else to say much. i just wanted to make like, a short entry here. idk, im really fucking tired rn.

i feel sentimental, today. i feel lonely. i feel like im just not where i want to be, not who i want to be. i dont know why, its just strange. i feel like i need connection, but i dont want it. but i do. i want to feel genuine. i want something to hold on to, but i just can't.

its an odd feeling. like, how the fuck do i describe it. its like peering into a mirror, and not seeing you on the other side. i dont know. i feel drifting, i feel sad. somethings not right, but i want it to be right. im not where i wanna be. this isnt how i want things to go, these people, this life, this situation. its wrong. or maybe im wrong. i dont know, theres just something. something lost, something missing. something as worthless as the empty air that takes up where it once was, even though i still want to hold onto it.

i feel futile, and small, and weak. something happened to me, but i don't know what. what the hell am i feeling.

i dont have much to say in this one, i think. i just wanna write a blog rn, since i have nothing better to do. its like near 1 am rn, im not tired at all tbh. ive been trying to redo the site for a while, but i just ended up giving up. i think its fine how it is rn, maybe.

idk, maybe i'll remake a few different pages here and there, but im mostly satisfied, and i like that. maybe i wont be, in like a week or so i probably wont be, but thats fine. right now, i feel good about it. i dont feel that good about myself, but i never do, so nothings stopping me from enjoying this. man, i should go to sleep.

well, its november now. spooky season is over, thank fuck. i plan to maybe get some stuff on the site updated soon, maybe a few site rehauls here and there. i dont know if i have the motivation, but i might as well do it to pass the time. it'll be fun, maybe.

otherwise, i've been alright, i guess. just feeling very pressured. i have so much to mentally juggle, let alone physically juggle, it's just so suffocating. i'm tired of worrying about myself, only to have worries others should've kept to themselves shoved onto me. i wish i was more than a sounding board, an outlet, a tool, an outsider. it's just tiring, yknow? and to be degraded for my own problems, or put down, or compared with it? its not a good combination for anyone.

i dont feel bad, just tired. drifting, i guess. not down, not out, but not in, either. oh well.

i feel so lifeless sometimes. i know i feel, but sometimes, it doesnt seem like i do. i dont think im the person i want to be. i try to trick myself into thinking i am, sometimes. it never works. i will never be what i want to be, nor what anyone wants to be. i'm unfit for roles like that, i can't fit anything. it's maddening, really. knowing how close you are to the end, how little time you have left before it all snaps, and that there's nothing you can do to change the fates you're offered.

no matter what happens, i'll feel like i lost. i hate that, but i can't deny it. i'm already enough of a liar, i shouldnt lie here. i'm lost, and i don't think i was ever found. i can't keep myself going, everything brings me down, and whenever i feel better, it never lasts long. another call, another talk, another text, something to remind me. to remind me of my inferiority. my weakness. my prison. my death. my past. everything.

maybe im being dramatic. is what everyone says. fuck them, they dont know whats in my head, and i wont tell them. bastards with their fake words. take your theories, your psyches, your insults, and throw them off a fucking bridge. better yet, throw yourself with them. its so tiring, i cant wrap my head around anything. i feel like im drifting to nothing, like everything has lost it's luster. the only things that make me feel alive are my few happy moments alone. and even then, i'll admit, i don't feel fully alive. just a zombie.

if i had to describe life, its like walking past a window store, knowing youll never afford anything there. a food you'll never eat, a song you'll never hear, a bride you'll never wed, a place you'll never go to. you can see it, you can barely sense it, yet it's out of your reach, taunting you like a jackal. it makes you feel like youre dead. like youre a husk, held up by what few sparks of belief are left. every light dies one day, and i think mine's been going out for a while. im not sure, i can't fully describe this feeling. id die if i did.

i dont think i deserve a happy ending. i dont think itll ever come. maybe thats okay to some, but i dont think it is. saying its ok to fall are just words. words are said, not done. i guess there's a tragic sense of romance, being a burnt fool in a frozen desert. it's interesting. gives your life an identity, i guess. not like identity's anything to give much thought to. i dont think much is. nothing is, anymore. i was an idiot for ever believing the things i wanted were worth it.

sorry for the lack of updates, i've just been getting kinda bored lately. i still don't really have any ideas or motivation to update the site much. i need more ideas, probably. i'm also just fine with the site currently, in terms of aesthetics and layout. maybe i won't be soon, but for now, this is good.

as for personal things, not much either. nothing interesting, really. i haven't even been feeling bad or that depressed, just kinda there. like, i'm existing, just not feeling much. idk, it's a pain in the ass to explain. if anything, i've found myself growing more irritable lately. maybe i've just had too much shit thrown at me lately, having to deal with people's problems, my own impending ones that end up minimalized by everyone else, and whatever other bullshit comes my way. oh well.

been about a week or so since i moved into my new apartment. pretty nice place. the area's unfamiliar to me, but it's nice, pretty rural too. the neighbors are kinda annoying, but thats to be expected i guess. not really much to say tbh.

i've been trying to get more ideas or inspiration for the site, but idk if i really have any. i also don't have the motivation to do any big updates rn. not in like, the typical depressed way, ofc. just in a 'i dont wanna be bothered' kind of way. ive been feeling alright, and i dont wanna burn myself out by pressuring myself. i just wanna take things easy for now.

finally done moving into my new apartment. it took a horribly long time, and i almost didnt make it, but here i am. guess i wont be homeless. nice. this entry wont be like, a big emotional one. im tired lol.

i still got lots of stuff to do, gotta fuckin furnish this place for one. oh well, i can do it. i just want a bit of down time, i am so damn exhausted. good to have it done though, i guess.

its on the other side of town, compared to where i used to live. its not too far, though. ill be fine, i guess. maybe i was just scared of change. best not to worry about it right now. i feel a little peaceful, i guess. its nice.

i feel so alone, yknow. just like, detached. unapproachable. or maybe everyone else is unapproachable. im not sure. its hard, talking to people. feeling for them, worrying about things that dont include yourself. even the problems i have, ive found hard to care about anymore. it's hard to worry, in a world thats worthless. problems are trivial, truths are equal to lies, and the lives of people are nothing more than statistic ultimately. everything's pointless, even my inability to feel properly.

some days i wish i could just, not hear anything from anyone. i dont have to listen to anyones rants, or problems, or requests. just me. only me. a world without rules, just for myself. it'd be cool. but it'll never fucking happen, so i'm just drifting for now.

it feels like the only thing i can really feel now is just sadness. unending sadness. i can laugh, or joke, or get angry, but not for long. it goes away quickly. most of the time, i'm faking it for amusement anyways. and even that sadism is fake, in a way. i can really only feel sadness now. i'm not sure why.

maybe one day, i'll get over it. this feeling, or lack thereof. maybe one day, i'll finally be able to fully feel someone else's pain. maybe one day, i'll be able to talk to my own damn dad without having some fearmongering conspiracy theory thrown at me. maybe one day, i'll be able to actually have full regard for myself, and the things i claim to hold close to myself.

that day hasn't come yet. i hope it will.

would you look at that. theres a good chance im gonna end up homeless after all. that, or losing most of my stuff. thanks to some screwups at the apartment i was gonna move to, i have to wait a few more days. however, my current apartments gonna kick me out by the end of this month, greedy bastards.

im fucking sick of it all. over and over, i have to go through some sort of pain, some sort of tragedy. im stuck in the middle, and i cant do shit. thats how it always is, and i resent it. im tired of having to deal with other people's petty problems. take your issues and shove them up your ass, i'm fucking sick of caring for others while i suffer alone.

life's annoying, it's boring, it pisses me off. you get fucked around and never get any answers as to why. you just gotta take it, and if you speak up, you're labeled as good as dead. i'm tired of it, i'm tired of it all. why can't i have peace? why was i thrust into this shithole of a life? what did i do to deserve this? i'm not perfect, but i shouldn't be risking homelessness at 17. this is fucked.

no ones helping, no ones doing their job. 'social workers' my ass, you can all go fucking jump into a meat grinder. i'm sick of sympathy, sick of laziness, sick of every fucking thing around me. sometimes, i just wanna fucking tear down everything. i hate it. and i still have to be 'grateful' and 'fine'. fuck this shit.

i'm at a weird time in my life. i don't have much time left as at teen, yet i don't feel prepared to be an adult. i don't wanna grow up, really. i'm not competent enough for all the complications and responsibilities, i never learned how to manage. i'm just worthless, when it comes to that.

things are changing for me. i'm moving to an apartment on the other side of the city, in an area i don't know, and have never been to before. it's a bit mortifying, really. i feel strange. i don't think i'm getting out of any slump i'm in, rather, i'm just changing perspectives. soon, my days as some sad, sheltered teen, locked in their room will end. in only a few months, will i become some tired, jaded, and confused adult, desparately scrambling for any sort of conclusion. it's so tiring.

i feel so unsure of myself, so uncertain. things never go out how i plan, and they never will. i wasn't even supposed to be alive by now. but here i am, paying the price for it. i can only expect things now. i'll live awkward, stumbling, and alone. and i hate that, but i don't know how to change it. the only way i can is a risky one, and i'm not sure if i wanna play with it anymore. it's so tiring, questioning the entire foundation of your life up to the point of adulthood.

i don't feel mature, but i don't feel immature. i don't feel ready, or prepared. i can't fit in anywhere. i'm a broken child, and a failed adult. at the very least, i'll stay off the street for now.

okay, so, update on the whole homeless situation. i wont be homeless. thank fuck. we finally found a place, and the fuckers at those social agencies finally started doing their jobs. now i just gotta move my whole apartment out by the end of the month, should be easy.

im obviously happy about this. i dont feel like, overjoyed, for some reason. i never get overly excited like that. but im glad things are going better. some part of me still feels tired, or like somethings wrong, but for now, i just wanna relax, and take in the fact that something good happened for once. pretty good.

first entry of fall, woohoo. been moving a lot of stuff into storage, for reasons ive already said in the summer blogs. its a bit tiring, but not too bad. i just feel like, exhausted as fuck today. idk. i feel like that all the time.

gonna try to do some stuff with the site this season, some big cool stuff, idk. hopefully i'll have the time. i just feel really out of it, i guess. it's comforting, but not, at the same time. but, i don't wanna get into that downer shit. let's keep it light for now.

the site hit 60k views the other day. pretty surprising, tbh. didnt think the site would get this big, back when i first started it 2 years ago, but here we are. thanks, i guess. its nice. i plan to change the image on the side, for every season, btw. i'll get to it, eventually.

tbh, i don't have much else to put here. im just tired, really. lets hope this fall is a good one.

last entry of summer, and im tired. this season's been filled with ups and downs, mostly downs. ive always hated summer, its where everyone goes out, has fun, and leaves me behind. i envy everyone who can make the most out of it. i wanna be like them. be it the laughing groups of friends, the couples driving down the road at night, or the free-flying birds that plague every damn sky. it makes me wish i was someone else.

i get that feeling a lot. everything would be okay, if i just wasn't me. be it idealogically, mentally, physically, or in every sense. none of this would be a thing, if i was just someone else. i wish i wish that someone, whoever they are. i want a normal life, i wanna be happy, i wanna smile, and be loved, and feel safe and comfortable. but i don't think i ever will. i'm just a husk now. an empty corpse, masking as some tired, shut-in teen.

i wanna travel, one day. go to all sorts of places. france, germany, norway, japan, all on my bucket list. ill probably never go, but i want to. one day, i want to. its emblatic of life itself to me. ill never have it, but i want to, one day. i still just dont understand, why im living. i dont know if i want to or not. i'm just going through it, and i will for the rest of my life. if i ever step out of line, i wont be able to step back in. im stuck.

i wish i could kill my desires. i wanna be free of them. itd be easier to work with, easier to accept, if i just couldnt feel. but i dont get those privileges.

im facing homelessness in about 31 days. my apartments landlords arent letting me and my dad stay, and we cant afford many places on our own due to how tight our finances are. my sister was the only one who worked, and she's gone now. ran off with that ugly bastard back in spring. damn bitch. any places we can afford are too far, too small, or too run-down. social services aren't doing shit, and i just can't take it anymore. i don't wanna be this low. i don't wanna die like this. i don't wanna be even more lost.

i hate summer. i really do.

i dont know why, but i just feel down. a lot of things are on my mind. facts i cant break, truths i cant reach, situations i will never get out of. i reach out, i ask for help, and all i get is idealistic, self-serving talk. i feel like im talking to charlie browns parents.

im just tired of reality, im tired of concepts and beliefs being melted and meshed together. i can't keep being confused like this, drifting between a desire for life, and a drive for death. i'm not worthy of one, and i'm too scared for the other. i'm alone in it all, i don't feel like i'm getting help, or like anything's being saved.

i'll stay broken, i know i will, and i hope its okay. i know it wont, but i dont know how to do much else. i'm just stuck, i guess. i'll ask for help again, i wanna get outta here.

i spent a lot of today just, holding back tears. im broken. i know why things arent working out for me now. its because im worthless. its because ive spent my life, reaching for things i dont deserve, things not meant for me. ideas, people, feelings, words, information, all of it. its not for me. im not normal, but im not special either. im not part of any group, even the ones that say theyre outcasts. im nothing, and itll stay that way for the rest of my life.

everything thats happened to me is what i deserved. i'm like a dog, desperately begging for food thats not mine. my whole life has just been that. i asked for love and affection from my family, and for years, all i got was spite, strictness, and situational 'love'. and no one cares. i dont, or at least i hope i dont. i didnt deserve it, anyway. i wasnt like them. im not smart enough, or deep enough, or worthy enough. they said it themselves, they said it today. i am nothing but a senseless animal.

i thought i could claw at society for some sort of scrap of feeling, just any emotion that could make me happy. and it didnt work. i got nothing in return. just frivolousness. fitting, for a pest like me. emotions, bonds, concepts, they're all as worthless as me. and for years, i tried to deny it. i tried to ignore it. i thought maybe, just maybe, they were wrong. but they aren't. i'm undeserving of it all. that's why i never got it. and that's why i can't be satisfied. i'm a failure, a disappointment, a flawed loser.

i don't deserve love, or kindness. not mercy, not affection, not attention, not acknowledgement, and not life. i'm just some stupid kid, a pathetic dog trying to mask as a wolf. the only thing i deserve is death, but i don't even want that. and once all is said and done, i'll still be chasing what i can't have, or what i don't deserve. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

i feel so detached, today. not sure why. im just tired, i guess. i dont think im cut out for this living thing. i have a problem, but i dont know what it is. theres just something wrong with me, i feel. im either too fast, or too slow. i cant really keep up with things anymore. thoughts feel heavier, distractions hit harder, and im more confused than ever. i just feel like im living in some weirdass movie, and at the end, everyones gonna come out with cameras and start laughing at me.

i dont think i belong here. not here, not with anyone, nowhere. i dont know where i deserve to be. i just know its not here. i feel like a burden, a stain i guess. i dont like that. its tiring, really. i dont know why my emotions have just drifted, i guess. its just hard to feel anything real anymore, even though im feeling so much at the same time. maybe its just overwhelming sadness, or maybe i really am just fucked up. i dont know anymore.

i wish people would stop giving me shit for it, at least. im tired of being leaned on for problems so much. it feels like half of my day is being used up by others, and i know its the right thing to let it happen, but a part of me doesnt want it. a part of me misses being alone. i miss a lot of things. i dont know how to feel about that. im just tired, i guess.

i look at my life sometimes, and just stare, i guess. its unreal, sometimes. i dont know why. all my life, from the day i was born, i spent most of my life inside. i went outside occasionally, but itd gradually slow as my life went on. everyone was so changing. nice one moment, angry the next. i was beaten, screamed at, blamed for things i didnt do. and no one cared. even now, my family doesnt care. i will never get an apology.

and now, look where i am. im facing homelessness in a month. im still grieving my dog, kinda. my sister's still missing due to her own stupidity, my mom walked out to go be some fuckin spiritual bitch, and my dad might be facing cancer. i hate it. i hate how things are, but i have to live with it. thats what everyone says, thats how i know im supposed to take it. i just fucking dread it all. its so tiring. im just so screwed up from everything thats happened, and is going to happen, im unfixable. and people have the audacity to preach to me about their petty fucking problems. sometimes i wish i could just be alone, forever. but i dont wanna be alone.

realitys unsatisfying, everythings confusing, outcomes are always tragic. im tired, sad, and sorry. i dont know what for. i just feel so small, and pointless. not even that sad, just distant. im not feeling right, i think. i feel like im just drifting. its okay if i crash, i think. i hope.

i wish life was how i wanted it to be. but it never will be. i just have to stumble through this, do what i have to, and hope i get it right. i probably wont. idek if i am now. im just so cold. i feel down, and hazy. i dont like this. i dont even know why i had the urge to just recite my life situation, im just tired. im just so detached from it all. so low.

i'll be honest, im kinda fuckin pissed off. a lot of shits happening in my life. i dont wanna go into details, its embarrassing, but it just feels like theres so much shit coming at me from so many sides. nothings getting better. it pisses me off. people i know are demanding more and more from me. it pisses me off. im growing unsatisfied with this hellsite again. it pisses me off.

i need a fucking break, where nothing can fucking happen. give me some damn space for once, for fucks sake. i feel so out of touch, idfk. im just tired, maybe overworked mentally. i have work ahead of me, and i cant be wasting it on mulling over things. but its a cycle, and i hate it. i just cant get it anymore. not sure why, but oh fucking well. thats how it is now, and thats how its gonna stay. i am so tired of this.

i'm so tired, so unhappy. everythings so confusing, i feel so unsure of myself and everything ive known. some days i just feel so damn lonely. im tired of this, im tired of being screwed around over and over. its one disaster after the next, and it wont stop. and im just supposed to take it. i am supposed to take it, but i dont want to anymore. ive done that for my whole life and i just cant take it anymore. so many problems, so many issues, im so damn lost. i just wanna go to sleep forever, i wanna erase this horrible fucking reality. im scared, im so fucking scared. i miss it when things were simple. when i could just forget about the pain around me, the pain i feel. i cant do that anymore. im sorry

first blog of august. im tired, im bored, i feel hopeless and conflicted again. im not sure of myself, i dont like myself. im tired, im scared, im fuckin worthless. i dont think i feel right. maybe ive never felt things the right way.

weekend time, woo. still depressed as usual. i've gotten over my dog, at least. i miss her, but i accept that she's gone. i got to spend 15 long years with her, and while a lot of it fucking sucked, at least she was there with me. in other news, some guy tried to say a slur in my cbox. pretty neat. other than that, i'm the same as usual. sad. idk, i feel like everyones trying to comfort me, giving me solutions to problems i dont have. oh well. i'll expand on it some other blog, i'm tired as fuck. good to be back though, and not grieving. or at least i think im not grieving anymore.

been two days since last blog. i feel kinda better, not sad, just kinda numb i guess. i still miss her, im still grieving to some extent, but im functional. im just super tired. i keep remembering that ill just like, never see her again. i dont like that. oh well. im doing better than i expected i would. im not crying anymore. i just fuckin miss her man. other than that, ive been trying to keep myself up. i fail sometimes, but im going i guess. i appreciate the support ive gotten through this, i really do. i just want her back, but i think its okay.

my second dog died today. im so fucking sorry. i cant barely fucking type rn, i feel sick and fucking dizzy my hands are shaking, i fucking hate this. i saw her die in front of me. she was just normal. shes been sick all day, stomach problems and all that. shes laying by my desk. she makes a weird noise, and raises her head up. i rush to her, and she just slowly fucking dies in my arms. i was there. i saw her fucking die. i saw her. im so damn tired. i cant take the smell. her corpse is still there as im fucking writing this. i dont know what the fuck to do i am so damn fucking tired. my ears are ringing, my chest hurts, i just wanna go to sleep and never fucking wake up. im tired of crying, tired of suffering. who the fuck decided this??? why the fuck do i have to go through all of this shit???? this entire fucking year has been garbage. my first dog dies, my sister runs off on her own and goes missing, and now my second dogs fucking dead. i cant fucking take it. sometimes i just wanna drown myself. idk in what. sleep, music, death, i dont know anymore. please fucking help me. please. my best fucking friend is dead and i wwatched her die in front of me. i gave her that food this morning, she got sick from that. i fucking killed her. i killed my own fucking best friend. im a murderer. a filthy, worthless, stupid fucking murderer. please. just fucking kill me. please. i dont wanna do this shit. i know theres nothing ahead. why the fuck do i have suffer through all this shit now???? why the FUCK cant i just be left fucking alone???? no one fucking cares, everyones a liar, something i cared for so much is dead, and its all my fucking fault. i shouldve gone. not her. ive known her since i was a kid, shes always been there for me. she always comforted me. i couldnt be there for her. i couldnt help her. i couldnt fucking save her. im awful. im worthless. i deserve to die. i deserve nothing else but death. and i am so fucking done. i am so fucking tired. i hate this all. i hate this. i hate everyone. fuck life.

weekend depression hits again. i am so fucking done, i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like everythings just slipping away from me, or maybe it already has. its all pointless, its all fucking worthless. or maybe im worthless. maybe both. i dont mean anything, my tears feel real, yet theyre as fake as my smiles. i want companionship, i want affection, i want to live. but i cant have any of that. im not made for it. this realitys unfair. or maybe im unreasonable. maybe im not strong enough. i just wanna be left alone sometimes. sometimes i just wish someone would step in, and bite the bullet for me. i hate that. im scared. im scared of everything, everyone, and myself. i wanna be happy. why cant i be happy?? why is there always something, someone, to remind me, to make me remember that everything is nothing. i look up at the sky, and all i can think about is how i cant fly like everyone else up there, and how one day, that sky will fall. i dont wanna see that day, but i cant help but fear i will. im just so tired. so done. i cant even tell anyone how it really feels, because theyre not me. i dont feel loved, i dont feel satisfied with anything. words cant help me. im unfixable. i feel like i dont belong here, or anywhere for that matter. i feel alone. so damn alone. loneliness is the only thing keeping me company at this point. its all i know. i just wish this sadness would one day go away. but i know it wont. that sun wont shine. if it could, it wouldve done so years ago. im scared.
so damn scared.

i hit 50k views today, nice. idk why people keep checking out this hellhole, but im glad they do!! nothing much has been happening to me since last blog, i'm tired as fuck, bored as fuck, idfk. i wanna add more shit to the site. more special pages, secret pages, or just stuff that has different layouts. ive been fucking around with javascript lately, but i have no idea how to do shit with it, so im mostly just stealing code and making shit up as i go. then again thats how i learned html and css, so maybe its not too bad. idk, i just want something to do. the bad thing about being a shut-in other than the other obviouses is that when you have so much free time, youre prone to boredom. like, wtf do i do now?? i hate it lol

i love how every weekend, i get fucking suicidal, only to desperately try and rebound the next day. it's happening rn!!!! anyways uh hi i guess. yeah, i have like, shit planned for the site. i wanna do stuff. i feel motivated for once, i know, it's rare but it happens. this is one of those times. idk, if any ideas i have are good ones, let alone ones that would be useful for the site. but fuck it, this is my site, i do what i want. anyways, im doin better. i know last blog made it sound like i was ready to slit my own damn throat. i still am, but hey, we still ball. expect some experimental updates, maybe, idk.

spent most of today in a suicidal and depressed slump. same as usual. i just feel so worthless. so hopeless. i don't see the value in things anymore. there is no value. no meaning, no point, no purpose. i guess that's why i was never given things like affection, or friendship. why i can't feel greater feelings. it's because it's all fucking worthless. or maybe it's because i was the worthless one. either way, i just can't get attached to things anymore. sometimes, i get too attached, and it just wraps around to that same feeling of numbness. i think too much, too fast, or not enough. i can't function here. i've wasted so much of my life, only to find out that everything is a waste. i don't have a reason to die, if anything, i have reasons not to. so i just idle my way through life. i'm chained down by ideas i can't comprehend, and memories i can't remember. i don't like living like this. i hate it. sometimes, i just wish i could fall asleep one night, and stay asleep forever. no death, no life. just sleep. i ask myself why i was given life. why i was made to crave for things i can't have, for things that are of no use to me. life's a gift, they say. and i agree with that. i just don't always feel like it, and i hate that.

keeping a website going is kinda hard, tbh. i have ideas, and all that, but idk which ones to keep and which to throw out. i guess that's a symbol of free creativity though. that's why i like having a website. i look at this trashheap ive made, and go, 'man it took like 6 months to make this shit look good'. bc like, looking back on old versions of this site, i had no idea what the fuck i was doing lol. now this place looks actually presentable, but in turn, i have no fucking clue what to do now. add more gimmick pages? maybe some games? idfk. i could build another shrine. thatd be neat. sometimes i wonder why i run this site, and how its kinda fucking stupid how im putting myself out like this. oh well, not like anyone really cares enough. i sure as hell dont. i guess i do this for entertainment, preservation, maybe just a hobby. i'm doing it for myself, i think. i don't have a purpose, i guess. i'm not here to say something. i'm def not one of those web revival guys, that line of thinkings too restrictive and clean for me. im just here to fuck around, and i like it that way. it feels weird, doing this, bc im satisfied with this site, but not at the same time?? idfk.

doing kinda alright lately, been up and down a lot. i've read some of the stuff in the guestbook, and i appreciate the support, i guess. better than nothing. i'm doing somewhat okay, met some new people, kind of. idk, i'm just bored and kinda sleepy. i should really fix my sleep schedule, it is fucked. oh well. planning on like, idk, making another shrine or some shit. or the music pages. idfk man, i just wanna do something. don't have much else interesting to say. idk, maybe i should just focus on getting the site together, i have some weird shit planned.

i find myself just drifting a lot. that's my whole life, really. i don't think much matters, and the stuff that does doesn't make me happy. it doesn't lift me up. everything's lost it's shine, and i hate that. i feel like it's my fault. it probably is. maybe this is all in my head, maybe none of it was that bad. maybe the beatings were deserved, maybe the loneliness was necessary, maybe all those insults were just facts. all of that is probably true. and i hate it, because it feels like so much more. i know it was more. i don't like this life, i hate it here. i'm tired of crying here at my oldass laptop, blasting music in my ears to drown out my own sobbing. but it's fine.

sometimes, i wish people would leave me the fuck alone. it's so vexing, so fucking draining. everyone wants to talk, everyone wants to feel great, and i'm the one left down. everyone wants to act like they care, they don't, they're all liars. i'll fucking kill them, i swear. the most i can do is give glares and sighs. sometimes i wish i could just fucking get this over with, and break them in half. nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me feel better, sometiems i wish i could just tear apart everything around me. i know it's wrong, i hate this as much as i hate my situation. this is fucking stupid, why am i even writing this? i feel alone, and i hate it as much as i fucking love it.

sometimes i just feel fuckin drained, yknow??? like theres always so much weighing me down. having to know that my life is essentially fucked due to my lack of ambition, my upbringing, my sociability, all that shit. everyones always talking at me, i fucking hate it. bastards who hurt me one day will switch and act like theyre fucking angels to me the next. not like they are anyway. i never get apologies. its all just so fucking tiring and im tired of being held back by all this shit. 'let it go' they say. easier fucking said than done. shit like thats just something fuckin tonedeaf morons say to sound comforting. nothings comforting to me, even things that should be, and i hate it. i wanna sleep.

been a while since i made a blog, because holy fuck nothing interesting is happening lol. the sites pretty presentable so like, idk what the fuck to add to it now. i am not ready to touch the shrines page lol. i just feel like i should be doing work on this site that im otherwise not doing. if only my dumb ass knew what that work was. oh well.

wow a normal blog for once. weird, huh? anyways uhhh hi i guess idfk. i feel like i should like, do something with the site, but i have no fucking clue what lol. oh well. in other news, the fucking persona 3 remake got announced. good to see my favorite game ever made finally getting a remake treatment. i started watching cyberpunk edgerunners, good anime, even if i dread the ending bc i know it wont end well. uhhh idk thats really it lol. thought id make a chill update blog for once, usually i just use this shit to traumadump or whine about how tired i am. i wanna do more with this page, yknow? oh and i almost fucked up the index page while writing the update log entry for this blog lol

i was feeling alright for once. i dont anymore. i just feel worthless, like some fucking idiot. all my life, i searched for something, im not sure why. a home, a connection, a reason. i still cant find it, and the few years i thought i had it were just lies. and everyone wants to fucking taunt me with it, life wants to taunt me with it. its all for nothing, isnt it? all of it. i shouldnt try, i shouldnt try reaching out. i still get talked down to, i still get used, manipulated, played like a fucking violin. i'll always be a freak, a lowly dog worth less than the ground it walks on. i hate this life, i hate living like this, i hate this lack of freedom, i hate everyone and everything that locks me in it. i'm so close, so close to the edge. i'm still scared, i'm still just some scared, stupid, lonely kid, crying in a corner, surrounded by everything it's broken. i'm sorry.

things are going a little better, probably? idk. i feel like im in an alright mood for once, so i'll take it. days have been slow, havent gotten much done besides schoolwork, but idk what else there is to do. i'll just take it easy for now. no problem in trying to relax a bit, take some breaks. the site's like, 2k away from 40k views, which is pretty cool. internet points make me happy! but for real, thank you everyone whos been supporting the site. i appreciate it a lot, its nice knowing that this stupid passion project has some people who like it.

when i was a kid, i was always terrified of the idea of growing up. to me, it was scary. i would have less free-time, less energy, less chances to do things i like, less freedom overall. i wouldve thought i would get rid of that mindset as i grew older, but i havent. im gonna be an adult soon, it wont be long, and i fucking hate it. im gonna be even more fucking pushed down than i am already, all with the mask of 'adult freedoms' to muddy it even fucking more. i dont feel ready. i dont feel like im enough. i dont think id be able to survive out there. id fuck up somewhere, id grow bored, tired, and disappointed with everything. i already have. i dont think im ever gonna be ready for this, really. giving up so much time just to live seems like a waste, since ive never really learned how to live. maybe i just sound whiny, like some kid scared of responsibility. and maybe i am. im not sure. i dont even know what i wanna do with my life, where i wanna go. anything.

you ever just feel like youre an outsider looking in. like no matter what, some boundary is there between you and anyone else. i feel that a lot. its always something. words i dont say, labels i dont take, thoughts i think, things i do. im not sure but i always feel so distant. todays one of those days and im not sure what to do. im tired.

hahahah 'next week update' my ass. finally got it out, lets fuckin go!!! new site update yeah. heavy rehaul, all that cool shit. some pages are still unfinished, but most arent, and thats good enough for me. glad to finally have this site somewhat good-looking. fuck im tired. my work isnt even really over yet lol. oh well

finally hit summer woohoo!!! technically its still spring but who fucking cares. anyways, writing this while working on a huge site update, should be out like a week after i finish this blog lol. work before this has been slow, but im actually having a ton of funny doing this, and making the site look presentable for once. idk its kinda therapeutic i guess??? my life isnt too different from usual rn but i dont wanna get into it since this is a more positive blog. work on the site is going smoothly and i cant wait to finally get this shit over with lol

been a while, huh? actually why am i asking that you cant fucking answer me lol. oh well, ive been getting by. im actually making some progress on how i want the index page to really look, so im happy there i guess. been fucking around, schools boring, blah blah blah. fuck what interesting shit can i say. uhhh idfk. oh well. the site hit 30k like a week ago. feels weird, knowing this random-ass page i made like 2 years ago is now like actually being looked at by people. then again thats kinda what i expected so ehh. man im tired. and bored. fuck.

hey, im not dead. i think i have some plans for the site, so i might update soon, idk. im in a kinda tired spot rn, not really doing bad, but not doing too good either. i feel hopeful but hopeless, idk. i think its time for some change, but i dont know if im really ready to finish setting up the site. we'll see what comes from that, but for now, im just still gonna lay low, idk. sorry for the lack of updates, i am just so conflicted. idk. i feel like theres something else, but i dont know what that something else is, and its just a feeling. it isnt really real, is it? maybe it is. im not sure. ill just have to wait and see.

long time no see, bozos. idfk, im tired as hell. i feel like, super sad, but like, super remincisent too??? and like really fuckin longing for something, idk what. im just tired and burntout. i should prob work on shit like font sizes, maybe redoing the index page again, idfk. im tired as all hell and i do not wanna really do like anything rn. fuuuuuuck. you ever feel like youve just wasted so much time that theres like no point going forward??? idk i get that feeling a lot. so many things ill never have, things ill never see. i dont see a lot of point in going on yknow. its kinda stupid imo. oh well. i kinda have to tbh. probably. i think??? idfk. maybe ill update the site more i just wanna like rest for a bit.

well there goes my good fuckin mood. i was doing somewhat well yesterday, not anymore. first thing in the fuckin morning, i get lectured on shit i already know, talked down to as just a sounding board, and lied to again. im sick of this shit, i wish everything and everyone would just shut up and leave me alone sometimes. ill tear those bastards apart, its all their fault, itd be so fucking fun. fuck, i dont even have the energy anymore. i wish people could just talk to me like a normal person more. everyone just wants me as an echo chamber, a toy to use when theyre bored. ill fucking end this one day, i have to.

no emo sad bitchbaby blog this time, just a simple update. idk, im doing kinda well today??? feels weird. ive been making progress, gonna try to update the about me page, make it actually good. dont really have too much to say tbh. at the very least, im done procrastinating with updates. i wanna like, actually finish the site rehaul lol. btw, started watching oshi no ko like a week ago, great show, im so hyped for next ep. tbh, feels nice to just be in an okay state for once. idk, maybe im just numb instead. oh well

im so fucking done. yesterday, i just spent 3 hours of my life, getting screamed at, about how im just some naive useless child. i hate this, i hate it here, i hate everyone. im so fucking tired, i wish everyone could go away. bastard even had the audacity to try and act cordial afterwards, trying to fuckin butter me up and make me forget all the horrible shit he just told me. i'll fuckin kill him, ive got nothing to lose. itll be easy, i have a plan, i know what to do.

maybe im just too hopeless, too fucking far down. i dont know why this keeps happening, why i keep getting hurt. i cant trust anyone, yet every time they hurt me, it stings. why doesnt it stop??? i fucking know who they are and whats going on, yet it still fuckin hurts. i wish theyd all go away. im sick of a world of liars, maybe i should kill someone else.

idek why i write this here, ig some people like reading it. makes em feel less alone. to you people, just know that you have hope, you have a future. i dont. im incapable of change, ive tried, and i failed. you can keep going, ill just be here, typing away at a shitty old desk, falling down a stairway of emotions. what a fuckin life, huh? sometimes, it feels like lifes just constantly fucking me, and i forgot the safeword. oh well, cant be helped.

fuck i feel useless lol. idk, i should be updating the site more, ironing out my shittyass spaghetti code, etc. but like, i dont have the energy for it rn, i wanna do other shit lol. idk what other shit to do though. i tried maybe getting over my social anxiety again, joined another social discord server. only to spend like, 3 hours trying to find out how to verify it, before realizing that i do not fit in at all, and subsequently leaving. fuck i am a loser. i wish i had like, actual friends lol, all i have are just surface-level acquaintances, im fuckin bored. btw let me know of any bugs on the site, i wanna focus on making everything a little smoother now

about that thing with friends, i really just feel hopeless there. ive been too damaged to really be able to form meaningful relationships and friendships. i cant trust or be comfortable around everyone, so all of my 'friends' end up just being associates i keep at twice an arm's length. i just lie and go along with it all, knowing it's fake, knowing it's weak, knowing i'm fake, knowing i'm weak. it's tiring, really. even when i try to reach out, i just cant, its all too confusing. everyones just so far away, i cant understand them. they talk too much, or talk too fast, i can't get it. it's all too uniform yet chaotic for me, and i get lost in it. all i can do is crack some corny jokes, and pray that someone takes a liking to me. usually, that never happens. if it does, a shallow association will form, only to either be fake as hell or break after a few days. maybe i'm just not cut out for socializing after all, it's easier to be alone. i'll just do that for now. in that way, nothing has changed. what a waste of time.

man, its been a while. i updated the look of the homepage, to make it more sleek and less cluttered. hopefully it looks good, idk, it probably doesnt lol. i'll update the other pages, including this one, to fit with the new style eventually. i wont do it now though, i am tired as fuck. i just wanna chill out for today and maybe tomorrow, idk, im just burnt out with all the other shit on my mind. i'll do all the other pages later, i'll even finish the fabled landing page. im just too tired to do it rn. enjoy the sites new look i guess

gonna take this day off from updating the site much, before i really get started with it. im kinda tired, and i wanna at least have some fun before i screw around with my stylesheet again. i just wanna take it easy today, since i dont get to do that much.

i dont really have anything else interesting to say tbh, idk. i watched cocaine bear. fun movie. i finished that pokemon red challenge run, that was pretty neat. and uhhh ok yeah idk i got nothing. man i wish my life was like, actually fucking interesting for once lol

with all the shit going on in my life right now, i feel like i should take a break, but idk. im also like tempted to maybe update the site aesthetics??? it all looks a little too barebones imo. not experimental enough

oh well. no sad edgy writings this time, just a normal blog here. been a while since i did that- eh. i finished a route in this cool visual novel ive been playing lately. made me cry a ton. that was nice, i guess. indulged in some teen drinking last night, because its funny. oh, and im doing a challenge run of pokemon red, where im only allowed to use a meowth. its for fun, and to give me something to do.

idk i just dont have much to say rn, im tired, maybe i will take a bit of a break. i probably wont though lol

i think i've calmed down, i'm not as desperate as i was before. maybe things can get better, but, that doesn't take away anything i'm feeling. i still feel all this pain, it's all still real. scars will always stay, they never fully go away. even when all the blood is cleaned, and the cut is closed, you can still see that patch of skin. it's different from the rest. it'll always be a little different. maybe it'll be smoother, lighter, darker, or rougher. but it will always be there. a constant reminder. no amount of change can take away that. that's the scary thing.

im never really happy, or satisfied. i cant be. i have too much weighing me down, and too many things reminding me of that. even when im doing something i enjoy, i feel empty. even when im around the few people i call 'friends', i feel alone. i'm not too close to them, i don't know how to be close. whenever i feelsome semblance of 'good', something always comes up. either i remind myself of everything going on around me, or something new happens. i've wasted the best years of my life, stuck inside home after home, being used and neglected by the people around me. i'm not sure if i can really recover, maybe i can, i just don't have the energy.

maybe i've just become like everyone else, an unsatisfied liar. i just wanna go to sleep for a while.

yknow, not too long after i posted that last blog, i heard a knock at my door. speak of the fucking devil, i guess. my dad opens the door, it's some random dude i've never seen before. my sister goes up to us, says she's leaving, and starts packing her stuff. it's some fuckin creep she's been sexting online, she got him to come over here and take her to another state. bastard looked old enough to be her own dad. fucking gross.

she screams at my dad over some petty shit, doesn't even bother to say anything to me, and before i fucking know it, she's gone and probably on a plane to the fuckin south. i hate her. she was our only source of income, after my mom left. she's just like her, i never should've trusted her. she always hated me, i knew it, i knew she didn't care. she told me to fucking kill myself, for fucks sake. maybe i should. im tired of this. now im gonna lose everything i have, my pets, everything. all because some bitch like her couldn't bare to think of someone else for a change. bitch just had to go run off with some fucking lowlife coomer she met online. she thinks shes fucking married to him, apparently. guess thats justification for just leaving me behind to be homeless and eventually fucking die on the streets. it's always been like this, it'll never fucking change

now i have nowhere to go, my dad isn't gonna be able to pay the rent for this place, my dogs are probably gonna be fuckin killed, and im gonna lose everything i have. i fucking hate her for this, she's just like everyone else, just an inconsiderate moron that only saw me as a roadblock to push out of the way. won't be long before my dad abandons me too, i know it. he's already told me time and time again how much he hates me, how little i mean to him. i'm on the fucking edge right now, and i'm terrified of falling off. i don't wanna die, but i don't wanna live through this hell of a life anymore either

why the fuck do i have to be the one to go through this shit anyway, what the hell did i do to deserve this??? why do i have to take all the fucking beatings life throws at me, why am i the one destined for failure???? who the fuck decided this, why is this happening, wwhat did i fucking do????? its always been like this im always being fucking pushed around for no damn reason, im fucking done. first i have to endure years of abuse and neglect, then i have to watch said abusers leave me behind one by one. maybe this is a good thing, maybe its not. who fucking cares. im tired of this. why wasnt i given a good life??? why am i the one living this shit?????? i feel like im living in a fucking nickelodeon sitcom im tired of living like this

my birthday was a few days ago, and i think about it a lot. my family doesnt celebrate, neither do i, and i don't mind. i only think about it because like, it reminds me of the time, yknow? pretty soon, i won't be a teen anymore. and that scares me. i guess everyone goes through this sort of in-between stage, but it's especially scary for me. i've spent all of my life, up till now, rotting away in houses and apartments, forced to be there by the people and circumstances around me. i have no talent, no ambitions, no social skills, and a fucked up thought process due to that. how the hell am i supposed to fuckin live like that, yknow??? im a delusional, depressed, sadomasochistic neet with about as much potential as a fucking snail, i doubt theres any future ahead of me-

idk, it's all just so pressuring and tiring, thinking about whats ahead. i dont even know what i wanna do with my life, let alone if i wanna have one. its all so fucking frustrating. doesnt help that im stuck in the middle of a bunch of bullshit too- my familys always arguing, talking about each other behind their backs, etc. they only fucking give me the time of day when they wanna talk shit about each other, thats the only time they even treat me like some semblance of a human. otherwise im just some fuckin toy for them to use to boost their own fragile egos, im fuckin sick of it. i just wish this shit would like, go away. idk, i want another life that isnt this, whyd i have to be the one to get this shit.

who cares if it changes in the future, how the fuck do i deal with this shit now? im tired of people telling me 'itll be okay eventually' like who cares dumbass. just cuz shit may or may not get better doesnt erase the fact that right fucking now i feel like my entire life is collapsing and that im just spiraling. im fuckin desperate for some sort of escape, and i know it wont ever fucking come, and even if it does, then i have to deal with all the lingering pain. the promise of a better future doesnt take away the beatings ive taken, the scars i have, the ones ive lost, the hearts ive broken, the words said to me, the years i wasted, all of that. none of it will fully fucking go away, no matter what happens, and whether the future is good or bad, i have no fucking clue how to deal with any of it.

maybe im just too bitter rn, i need to calm myself down a bit, who gives a shit- by the way, gonna be posting more ranty, longer, traumadump blogs like this now, since people apparently find it interesting to read. fuckkk, i wish my life was fulfilling- i wanna go out, i want actual friends, i want a healthy family, a nice normal life, maybe a cat. hopefully reincarnation is a thing, bc if not, im gonna be pissed if this life is the only one i get-

finally started work on the fabled landing page, yippee. i dont really know what to say here, ive just been in kind of an emotional and mental slump. everything feels so tiring and pressuring, and theres just too much that drags me down nowadays. so many problems to worry about, things to do, things i want to do, etc. idk, i just wanna take it a little easier.

i just feel really down and lonely these days, im not sure why. i mean, i do know why, but i dont think i like acknowledging the reasons why. oh well, can't be helped. anyways uhh thats all i have to say i guess??? idk i just wanted to make this blog to sort of keep up and stuff idk. oh, yeah, forgot. i started coding this site on firefox now bc chrome fucking sucks i hate that piece of shit browser. let me know if some stuff looks weird bc of it, i guess

havent really been updating the site a lot, i'm still really fuckin burnt out. i might try to start work on the shrines pages today, even if its something small and simple, idk. fuck i just forgot i have to work on a landing page too. im tired as hell, shit hasnt really been that good for me in my life rn. i did do a few pokemon nuzlockes, that was fun, ig. damnit i feel sleepy aaaa

sorry for no new blogs and big updates for a while, im kinda burnt out, idk. im just super tired and bored and i dont have a lot of ideas for the site. feels like i should be doing more but idk what more is, really. i'm gonna try to maybe add a few new stuff here and there, but ehh, idk. sorry lol

been a while, huh. alright, no more sad emo baby blogs, that shits for losers!!! i already have another page for that shit anyway lol. i wanna update a few notable things today, but like,i have no fuckin idea what to do. idk if i have the drive for it either, im tired. might change the site font, maybe a bit on the index page, idfk lol. feels like im not doing enough, yknow??? oh well-

whats that??? i didnt wait like 2 weeks to post another blog???? how amazing!!!!! anyways uh, yeah, just writing here bc idk i got like bored or something lol. i have like nothing better to do anyways uhh. my laptop is on like its last legs rn and i have no fucking idea why. it will not charge even though its plugged in and ive tried like every solution i can find and nothing worked. i might just need a new cable, a new battery, or maybe an entirely new fucking pc. yeah not fun i know. hopefully it doesnt become unfixable once it gets to 0% lol. i mean wowie zowie it sure would be a shame to lose the one fucking pc i have that has like this entire sites assets and code archived on it!!!

also thinking of like maybe getting back in touch with those 'friends' ive mentioned in a few blogs, the ones i kinda fucking ran away from lol. idk they were kinda assholes but ehdifghf idk i dont wanna get into my assbackwards psychological reasoning to why i wanna go back. idk maybe i dont actually miss em and i just want closure, thats probably it. i shouldnt go back thats an unhealthy coping mechanism and i am definitely in control of my mental health!!! fucking hell im tiredaaaa

so, uh, i updated the site. a lot. hope you like it. i spent about 3 weeks testing it, and i like how its turned out. its much more sleek and pleasing than the ugly old layout. i still have a lot to do, so my work isnt dont just yet, lol. i still have a ton of pages to finish, write, build, etc. oh well, at least i can look at my own site without my eyes bleeding now. anyways, uhhh, nothing else really interested happened to me, lol. oh and im also writing blogs more informally now bc fuck formal typing i hate that shit. anyways thats kinda it.

Sorry for the lack of updates and blogs, I've been juggling a ton of shit, and it's kinda getting to me. I have to work on the site rehaul, while simultaneously dealing with all the other crazy bullshit in my life. I don't really have much energy or motivation anymore, to be honest. I feel like everything's just dragging me down. Oh fucking well.

Been a while since I last blogged! Damn, I feel old. Uh, I've been pretty busy lately. I'm currently testing out a few updates I may or may not have planned for the site's UI. I'm not sure whether or not I want to keep the site's current look. I want a more compact style, with much more art and flair. It'll take a while though, since it'll be a straight-up rebuild of the site's look. Eh. Other than that, I've been getting back into Danganronpa, an anime and game series I used to be a pretty big fan of. I'm not that into it anymore, since I realized how kind of fucking stupid it is, but I'm rereading this series of DR rewrite fanfics I like, and it's been sparking my interest in the series again. I should get back to work on the site overhaul, but I have no motivation, lol.

Last blog of January! Man, look at all that edgy shit below. Holy fuck, I need therapy. I should probably put that shit in the -----, but I'm too lazy. Anyways, I feel kinda bad. I didn't update the site much this month, but I don't know what to really put there. Oh well. February will be better, maybe. Still working on that shrine, still gonna make more playlists, still gonna add games to the games page. Who knows, maybe I'll finally put in that damn chatbox. Eh. anyways, okay month, I guess.

I just feel so fucking down now. I don't know why, but, I just don't feel up to anything. Nothing's interesting, everything's repetitive, nothing makes me happy. I don't feel happy, the more I look around, the more sad I become. I don't know why, why can't this fucking slump pass over. I don't wanna spend another whole fucking season, just moping around like the emo bitch I am. I wanna do shit, not cry. I do that enough. I'm so fucking tired, tired of even saying that. I feel distant, I feel isolated, I feel so fucking cold. I just want something, someone, to take me out of this. To erase this all, because I don't know how. I don't think there is a way to erase it. I'm unfixable, and that's how it'll stay. Fuck it, I'm thinking too much again.

Still don't know what to post here, still working on that big shrine thing. I don't know. I feel really tired, really distant. Haven't really been able to do a lot lately. I just feel so, weighed down, if that makes sense. Everything's a drag, even the stuff I like. There's nothing to do anyways. I feel like I'm drifting, even more-so than usual. The people around me seem even more annoying, and nothing is fun anymore. Fuck, maybe I hate these slumps I get. I just want this to pass over already, I feel useless. Fuck, this should go in ----- again, who gives a shit. I sure as hell don't.

Ignore the edgy rant below, I left that server. Anyways, not much going on, so this will probably be a short blog, maybe. I don't know. Haven't been getting much done, to be honest. I feel like I should be updating this site more. Oh well. I'll find something to put here, probably. If you have any ideas for the site, be sure to send them in my guestbook.

Got bored, decided to join a fucking mental health server on Discord. Thought I'd try to reach out again, meet some people who can at least tolerate me. Actually, I don't know why I joined it. I don't want this, I don't want people, I want to be alone. And yet here I go, pulling stupid impulsive shit like this again. I'm a fucking moron, what the hell am I doing. Friends, family, lovers, it's all pointless and boring. I don't need trash like that. So why the fuck do I keep trying to reach for it? Why do I feel lonely, when I remember that no one cares. Why does that make me sad, it should just be a simple fact, nothing personal. I hate this, I wish I didn't feel these things, life would be so much easier. Maybe I'm just ruled too much by my own bitterness, lust, spite, and hatred. I'm tired of it all, I want to be nothing, I want to be blank again. Fuck, this should go in Nightwatch. I'm too lazy, fuck everyone, I hate you all.

Three days since my dog died. I think I've been handling it well. It hit super fucking hard at first, but now, I've easily accepted it. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that she's not there anymore. It hurts a little, but it barely gets to me now. I feel bad, to be honest. I feel like I should be hurting more from this, but, I'm just not. Oh well, I've never really felt emotions the right way anyway.

Found out my dog died today. I wasn't even there to see her final moments. I'm tired. Really, tired. Feels strange, looking at the blog before this. Just today, I was doing somewhat fine, even though I was pissed. Now, I just feel empty. I'm not sure how to take this. I'm gonna take a break, maybe.

I feel stupid, you know. My sister, I shit you not, decided to fucking order a snake off of Amazon without telling or asking anyone else. My family has been arguing about it for the past few hours now. Honestly, I'm fucking annoyed by it. We do not have the money to take care of a snake, nor does she really care for it that much anyways. She just wants to keep it because she thinks it's cool. It's basically a toy to her. She did not think any of this shit through, and now, she has wasted money, and will waste more money, that could've gone to helping our family out of the shitty situation we're already in. I feel like I'm living in a fucking episode of Drake and Josh. I fucking hate everyone, this is so stupid.

Man, I am out of ideas. I feel like I should be doing things, updating this website, etc. But I have no clue what I want to do. I'm working on a project for the site, something along the lines of a shrine, but progress is slow, and I wanna make something alongside it to. Idk, maybe I'll actually start using the games page. That thing has been blank since I set it up, lol. I have tons of plans for it, at least. I'm also thinking about maybe just finally making that page for my poetry, but I'm kinda ashamed of my own writing, since it's probably awful. Oh well. Maybe I'll just make another joke page, or a secret page. I wonder if anyone's found those secret pages, anyways.

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be normal. I genuinely think there's something wrong with me. Things go better when I'm not around. People feel better when I'm not around. I look at family photos, before I was born. My family went out, they had fun, they were smiling, they seemed happy. I never got to see that. From the moment I was born, they just spent their time arguing with each other. I was their group punching bag, taking the beatings and verbal assaults for everyone else. Am I what caused them to change? I remember friends I've had, or, I called them friends. I remember checking our chatlogs, seeing what they said when I wasn't there. I remember seeing them celebrate it. I was just some edgy freak that held them down. People always seem to be cold towards me, no matter what I do. Sometimes they'll act warm, but it's an easy act to see through. They'll only do that because they expect me to believe them, and trust them. That way, they can use me. That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be. I'm not sure why anymore. Maybe things would be better if I just wasn't here.

First blog of 2023, and I'm already pissed off. I don't get why people have never seen me as human. Maybe I'm not. It's strange. The people who hurt me always say they care, they always say they know me. And yet they ignore me every time I'm suffering. They just see me as some pitiful burden, drowning alone. In retrospect, I guess I am. I'm tired, I want this year to end too.