My Diary...

[2:08 PM, 4/18/2024]

some days i still feel a little inferior, when i work on this site. like im just creatively stuck here, not able to go in any other directions. i dont know if thats really the case, but i cant help but feel like that, sometimes.

like, it makes me put into perspective how uninteresting i really am, maybe. i don't really have much to write about on this site, other than just diary entries, and the occassional poem or shrine. a lot of people use their websites to talk about deeper things. philosophies, politics, social stuff, all that shit. i dont have thoughts on that kinda stuff, so i cant really do that well. im just sort of stuck, writing about mundane things in my life, and weird feelings i feel.

idk, maybe im just looking at things a little too judgingly, again. i need to let go for once, i guess. im trying to. its just a slow process, really.

its odd, this cycle i go through sometimes. i'll spend a good few minutes, thinking about how bad or worthless this site is. and then, i'll go to check on it, and my thoughts just turn around. things start looking a little better, and i begin to feel like i'm not wasting time after all. if only other things could be this easy.

idk, i dont have much to say here. once again, i just felt the need to write something. maybe thats what expressing yourself is about. you do it when you want to, not because you have to. pretty cool.



[8:11 PM, 4/17/2024]

feeling a little better, tbh. i dont know, i guess i was able to walk this one off quickly.

i still feel kinda pissed when i think about what happened, but im not as down about it as before. other than that, i dont have much to say rn. idk, i guess i just wanted to write here. ive been thinking a lot about my future as well lately. still havent made any good conclusions as to what i wanna do with like, anything, but its fine. i have to remember to pace myself.

i have a few things i wanna do with the site, might make another shrine soon. idk. q&a section might be coming soon too, but i wanna save that for like, some kind of milestone. idk, maybe when i hit 150k views. itd be funny.

tbh, im kinda bored rn.



[8:46 PM, 4/16/2024]

just trying to cool down right now, i guess. yesterday was pretty rough for me, i thought about a lot of things i shouldnt have thought about, and i heard a lot of things i really didnt wanna hear. i wont discuss the details, but i at least feel a little better.

i just feel like i keep falling, like theres no reason to just live anymore. i keep doing it, though. i have no reason not to, anymore. i think thats a better choice than the alternative, when you feel like a failure.

oh well, i have been feeling relatively good today, even if i seem kinda down here. i just need to blow off some steam.



[12:31 PM, 4/10/2024]

i just feel a little pressed, somehow. kinda reflective on things. i feel like im just going nowhere, emotionally. like, after all this time, i still havent gotten to conclusions about certain things. i still havent outrun my past, or any pain i feel. im just stuck in it.

i feel like i cant even put this into words, without straying across random topics, and making no sense. idek if i make sense right now, im tired thinking of it. i dont like talking to people anymore, because most of them bring out the worst in me. they remind me of things, they annoy me, or they say something they shouldnt have said. i feel myself growing more impulsive, complacent, risky, reckless, just dreadful. im always tired, sad, or angry. idk why.

i dont even know if anything im saying is true, or if its just me talking. i dont know, i just feel like i have to say this, sorry. i dont wanna be labeled or mistreated, i just wanna find some sense of closure for things, maybe. every time i think i move forward, i go back twice as much. its boring, i feel like some bitch being used. im not sure by what, though. or rather, i dont wanna say what.



[5:02 PM, 4/9/2024]

its weird, yknow. sometimes, you can go a whole day feeling good, only to be brought down at the last second. its strange how words effect us.

i was planning to go into things, but honestly, i dont really want to right now. its just some draining shit again, words i didnt wanna hear, the usual. its always the same, wrong for me, but right for everyone else.

im just not really feeling it anymore, i guess.



[10:02 PM, 4/3/2024]

been trying to take a bit more time to myself, lately. just trying to lay low, relax a little. feels like i just made things more complicated though, somehow.

i dont know, these past few days have been pretty laid back. not much happening, not many thoughts to give. its going by a little quick, to be honest. maybe too quick. idk, it just feels like times a lot faster now. probably just some perception thing, though.

i still feel a little empty, but im not sad, nor do i feel bad to be honest. just kinda drained. i dont think its due to my mood, or anything. its been a long day, a long few weeks, and im no doubt drained and sleepy. i just wanna be left alone, and rest for a little. i wanna take my time right now.



[9:32 AM, 3/27/2024]

here it is. i'm 18 now, cool. i can now legally get fucked in most countries. awesome.

in all seriousness, i just feel kinda empty about it. i dont feel like an adult, yknow? just a bitch whos still 17. i always did think 18 was a bit too young to be considered an adult. youre just outta highschool, with no fucking clue on what to do or where to go. or at least, thats where im at. kinda annoying, ngl.

i just have to wonder if im really ready for any future ahead, because its never gonna be easy, and i dont know if im willing to take those risks. ive grown too conflicted, too ruined. not like i have a reason to die, though. thats why i always just chose to live instead.

like, seriously, where do i go from here?? i have genuinely no fucking clue. nothing appeals to me anymore, whatever life ahead that i can think of just sounds like a boring, lonely slog. i dont wanna live like that, like some side-character. i know i dont deserve much, i know im a horrible person, but i at least want the privilege of getting to live how i want to, not how i have to. or at least, in a worldly sense.

i just still, after all this time, cant be satisfied. i guess its ironic, that i have such a relationship with life. i'm never good enough for others, and others are never good enough for me. maybe i've grown to be just like them. i dont know anymore.

theres always just something holding me back, something unavoidable, incomprehensible to me. it scares me to talk about it. maybe i wont.

whatever happens, i think i can get through it now. i just dont know if i want to, but i dont know how to avoid it either. i cant blend into something else, nor can i go with it and embrace the future. im just stuck here, living in the present, with no real reason to look forward. maybe i am just a social failure, whatever.

it's weird though, i don't feel sad right now. just a bit lost, or maybe introspective. nostalgic, even. it's weird, knowing that i'm an adult now. or am i really one? maybe i'm still just a teenager. i don't know, really. i just wanna go back for a bit, when things were more simple, where i could get hurt and i wouldn't even know how to cry. days i miss, really. it's sad, but again, i don't feel sad. it's a strange feeling, like looking up at the sky, and not feeling anything but distance. like you're so far from home, yet so close at the same time. maybe i just wanna go back to bed.



[9:13 AM, 3/25/2024]

would you look at that, two days left before i turn 18. damn. honestly its kinda disheartening

i feel like ive lost touch, yknow? with myself, that is. like, im not who i used to be, and im not who i wanna be. its hard to even talk now, its just so draining a lot of the time.

i feel like im not prepared to be an adult, really. i have no ambition, no skills, and i feel like adult life would just bore the fuck out of me anyway. great, i get to be a slave to capitalism, with no free time, and all that. its what you have to do to live, but thats the thing. i dont know if i know what living is yet, let alone if i wanna endulge in what everyone's idea of living is. is it really that different from dying? not sure.

i just feel that no matter whats ahead, i'll be unhappy, and alone. probably not, maybe im just overthinking, but i cant see anything else happening. theres too many things in the way for me to really believe that i'll ever be successful. i feel like i was born to fail.

maybe im just worried too much, or going too fast again. i just dont know if i even want anything anymore, or if im even fit to exist. i feel like i just counter everything expected of a decent person. i always miss something, i just hope its okay by the time this settles lol



[1:58 PM, 3/21/2024]

i still have a lot of yesterday on my mind, i still feel scared to be honest. i just dont really wanna do anything right now. i feel tired, burnt out, lost, all of that.

it just feels like a lot has happened. too much. ive lost too much, and its starting to become unmanagable. thats just what it feels like, at least. theres so much ahead that i just cant take control of, too many things that i know i'll fail at, or lose. i dont even know if i have enough time left to experience it. its just confusing, i guess.

its draining, its all i can think about for the most part. its a feeling thats always there, one that'll just get worse and worse as this goes on. i just hope it stops before it does, i really do. i think it will, but i feel like im faltering.



[6:43 PM, 3/20/2024]

been a while, huh. still going strong, i guess. not really. im just tired, a lot.

shit happened today, serious shit. i wont talk about the details, but i just feel so drained by it. i feel like apologizing to someone, this feels like my fault. like, i did this. i hope its not my fault, but it really feels like it.

yeah, i know im not the best person out there. im awful, im a liar, ive done and said horrible things that i can never take back. but i feel like i would lose too much if this went south. i dont think it will, i have one reason to think so. im just a little scared.

but i think itll be okay, probably. i have to remind myself that i've gotten this far. ive taken back some words, i dont wanna be alone anymore.



[7:47 AM, 3/11/2024]

not really doing good. i just feel scared, alone, like a burden. i got told something today i really didnt wanna hear, and its just been ruining me.

its strange, being called a waste of time, something that ultimately doesnt matter. i never really thought of myself like that. i didnt think i was one. but i am. my own father spent a good bit of my morning telling me that. what a joke. i knew i shouldnt have tried to get close to people.

i think i need to put limits on myself now. i feel tired, sleepy, and exhausted. im just an object, a tool. i dont feel like i deserve anything anymore.

i need a break.



[7:23 PM, 3/3/2024]

first entry of spring, wow. still feels like the year just started. gotta say, im feeling pretty good for once, idk.

ive been very burnt out on this website lately. i dont have much ideas, and ive been starting to worry about a lot of shit. like, i felt blocked, or like i was just spinning my wheels. i felt inferior, i guess. like this site was just some trashheap that wasnt even worth my time or anyone elses. maybe it still is, but tbh, that doesnt bother me anymore, i think.

i think a lot of my burnout came from rushing myself. i felt pressured i guess, by some notion that other people were pressuring me. in reality, no one did that when it comes to this. ive been running this website at my own pace for the entire time ive had it, i was just working as if that wasnt the case. i think i just need to take a moment to appreciate things more. maybe slow down a bit, take some time for other things i enjoy.

i need to care more about actually enjoying myself, or else, this hobby will just become work. i dont want that to happen.



[2:08 PM, 4/18/2024]

some days i still feel a little inferior, when i work on this site. like im just creatively stuck here, not able to go in any other directions. i dont know if thats really the case, but i cant help but feel like that, sometimes.

like, it makes me put into perspective how uninteresting i really am, maybe. i don't really have much to write about on this site, other than just diary entries, and the occassional poem or shrine. a lot of people use their websites to talk about deeper things. philosophies, politics, social stuff, all that shit. i dont have thoughts on that kinda stuff, so i cant really do that well. im just sort of stuck, writing about mundane things in my life, and weird feelings i feel.

idk, maybe im just looking at things a little too judgingly, again. i need to let go for once, i guess. im trying to. its just a slow process, really.

its odd, this cycle i go through sometimes. i'll spend a good few minutes, thinking about how bad or worthless this site is. and then, i'll go to check on it, and my thoughts just turn around. things start looking a little better, and i begin to feel like i'm not wasting time after all. if only other things could be this easy.

idk, i dont have much to say here. once again, i just felt the need to write something. maybe thats what expressing yourself is about. you do it when you want to, not because you have to. pretty cool.



[8:11 PM, 4/17/2024]

feeling a little better, tbh. i dont know, i guess i was able to walk this one off quickly.

i still feel kinda pissed when i think about what happened, but im not as down about it as before. other than that, i dont have much to say rn. idk, i guess i just wanted to write here. ive been thinking a lot about my future as well lately. still havent made any good conclusions as to what i wanna do with like, anything, but its fine. i have to remember to pace myself.

i have a few things i wanna do with the site, might make another shrine soon. idk. q&a section might be coming soon too, but i wanna save that for like, some kind of milestone. idk, maybe when i hit 150k views. itd be funny.

tbh, im kinda bored rn.



[8:46 PM, 4/16/2024]

just trying to cool down right now, i guess. yesterday was pretty rough for me, i thought about a lot of things i shouldnt have thought about, and i heard a lot of things i really didnt wanna hear. i wont discuss the details, but i at least feel a little better.

i just feel like i keep falling, like theres no reason to just live anymore. i keep doing it, though. i have no reason not to, anymore. i think thats a better choice than the alternative, when you feel like a failure.

oh well, i have been feeling relatively good today, even if i seem kinda down here. i just need to blow off some steam.



[12:31 PM, 4/10/2024]

i just feel a little pressed, somehow. kinda reflective on things. i feel like im just going nowhere, emotionally. like, after all this time, i still havent gotten to conclusions about certain things. i still havent outrun my past, or any pain i feel. im just stuck in it.

i feel like i cant even put this into words, without straying across random topics, and making no sense. idek if i make sense right now, im tired thinking of it. i dont like talking to people anymore, because most of them bring out the worst in me. they remind me of things, they annoy me, or they say something they shouldnt have said. i feel myself growing more impulsive, complacent, risky, reckless, just dreadful. im always tired, sad, or angry. idk why.

i dont even know if anything im saying is true, or if its just me talking. i dont know, i just feel like i have to say this, sorry. i dont wanna be labeled or mistreated, i just wanna find some sense of closure for things, maybe. every time i think i move forward, i go back twice as much. its boring, i feel like some bitch being used. im not sure by what, though. or rather, i dont wanna say what.



[5:02 PM, 4/9/2024]

its weird, yknow. sometimes, you can go a whole day feeling good, only to be brought down at the last second. its strange how words effect us.

i was planning to go into things, but honestly, i dont really want to right now. its just some draining shit again, words i didnt wanna hear, the usual. its always the same, wrong for me, but right for everyone else.

im just not really feeling it anymore, i guess.



[10:02 PM, 4/3/2024]

been trying to take a bit more time to myself, lately. just trying to lay low, relax a little. feels like i just made things more complicated though, somehow.

i dont know, these past few days have been pretty laid back. not much happening, not many thoughts to give. its going by a little quick, to be honest. maybe too quick. idk, it just feels like times a lot faster now. probably just some perception thing, though.

i still feel a little empty, but im not sad, nor do i feel bad to be honest. just kinda drained. i dont think its due to my mood, or anything. its been a long day, a long few weeks, and im no doubt drained and sleepy. i just wanna be left alone, and rest for a little. i wanna take my time right now.



[9:32 AM, 3/27/2024]

here it is. i'm 18 now, cool. i can now legally get fucked in most countries. awesome.

in all seriousness, i just feel kinda empty about it. i dont feel like an adult, yknow? just a bitch whos still 17. i always did think 18 was a bit too young to be considered an adult. youre just outta highschool, with no fucking clue on what to do or where to go. or at least, thats where im at. kinda annoying, ngl.

i just have to wonder if im really ready for any future ahead, because its never gonna be easy, and i dont know if im willing to take those risks. ive grown too conflicted, too ruined. not like i have a reason to die, though. thats why i always just chose to live instead.

like, seriously, where do i go from here?? i have genuinely no fucking clue. nothing appeals to me anymore, whatever life ahead that i can think of just sounds like a boring, lonely slog. i dont wanna live like that, like some side-character. i know i dont deserve much, i know im a horrible person, but i at least want the privilege of getting to live how i want to, not how i have to. or at least, in a worldly sense.

i just still, after all this time, cant be satisfied. i guess its ironic, that i have such a relationship with life. i'm never good enough for others, and others are never good enough for me. maybe i've grown to be just like them. i dont know anymore.

theres always just something holding me back, something unavoidable, incomprehensible to me. it scares me to talk about it. maybe i wont.

whatever happens, i think i can get through it now. i just dont know if i want to, but i dont know how to avoid it either. i cant blend into something else, nor can i go with it and embrace the future. im just stuck here, living in the present, with no real reason to look forward. maybe i am just a social failure, whatever.

it's weird though, i don't feel sad right now. just a bit lost, or maybe introspective. nostalgic, even. it's weird, knowing that i'm an adult now. or am i really one? maybe i'm still just a teenager. i don't know, really. i just wanna go back for a bit, when things were more simple, where i could get hurt and i wouldn't even know how to cry. days i miss, really. it's sad, but again, i don't feel sad. it's a strange feeling, like looking up at the sky, and not feeling anything but distance. like you're so far from home, yet so close at the same time. maybe i just wanna go back to bed.



[9:13 AM, 3/25/2024]

would you look at that, two days left before i turn 18. damn. honestly its kinda disheartening

i feel like ive lost touch, yknow? with myself, that is. like, im not who i used to be, and im not who i wanna be. its hard to even talk now, its just so draining a lot of the time.

i feel like im not prepared to be an adult, really. i have no ambition, no skills, and i feel like adult life would just bore the fuck out of me anyway. great, i get to be a slave to capitalism, with no free time, and all that. its what you have to do to live, but thats the thing. i dont know if i know what living is yet, let alone if i wanna endulge in what everyone's idea of living is. is it really that different from dying? not sure.

i just feel that no matter whats ahead, i'll be unhappy, and alone. probably not, maybe im just overthinking, but i cant see anything else happening. theres too many things in the way for me to really believe that i'll ever be successful. i feel like i was born to fail.

maybe im just worried too much, or going too fast again. i just dont know if i even want anything anymore, or if im even fit to exist. i feel like i just counter everything expected of a decent person. i always miss something, i just hope its okay by the time this settles lol



[1:58 PM, 3/21/2024]

i still have a lot of yesterday on my mind, i still feel scared to be honest. i just dont really wanna do anything right now. i feel tired, burnt out, lost, all of that.

it just feels like a lot has happened. too much. ive lost too much, and its starting to become unmanagable. thats just what it feels like, at least. theres so much ahead that i just cant take control of, too many things that i know i'll fail at, or lose. i dont even know if i have enough time left to experience it. its just confusing, i guess.

its draining, its all i can think about for the most part. its a feeling thats always there, one that'll just get worse and worse as this goes on. i just hope it stops before it does, i really do. i think it will, but i feel like im faltering.



[6:43 PM, 3/20/2024]

been a while, huh. still going strong, i guess. not really. im just tired, a lot.

shit happened today, serious shit. i wont talk about the details, but i just feel so drained by it. i feel like apologizing to someone, this feels like my fault. like, i did this. i hope its not my fault, but it really feels like it.

yeah, i know im not the best person out there. im awful, im a liar, ive done and said horrible things that i can never take back. but i feel like i would lose too much if this went south. i dont think it will, i have one reason to think so. im just a little scared.

but i think itll be okay, probably. i have to remind myself that i've gotten this far. ive taken back some words, i dont wanna be alone anymore.



[7:47 AM, 3/11/2024]

not really doing good. i just feel scared, alone, like a burden. i got told something today i really didnt wanna hear, and its just been ruining me.

its strange, being called a waste of time, something that ultimately doesnt matter. i never really thought of myself like that. i didnt think i was one. but i am. my own father spent a good bit of my morning telling me that. what a joke. i knew i shouldnt have tried to get close to people.

i think i need to put limits on myself now. i feel tired, sleepy, and exhausted. im just an object, a tool. i dont feel like i deserve anything anymore.

i need a break.



[7:23 PM, 3/3/2024]

first entry of spring, wow. still feels like the year just started. gotta say, im feeling pretty good for once, idk.

ive been very burnt out on this website lately. i dont have much ideas, and ive been starting to worry about a lot of shit. like, i felt blocked, or like i was just spinning my wheels. i felt inferior, i guess. like this site was just some trashheap that wasnt even worth my time or anyone elses. maybe it still is, but tbh, that doesnt bother me anymore, i think.

i think a lot of my burnout came from rushing myself. i felt pressured i guess, by some notion that other people were pressuring me. in reality, no one did that when it comes to this. ive been running this website at my own pace for the entire time ive had it, i was just working as if that wasnt the case. i think i just need to take a moment to appreciate things more. maybe slow down a bit, take some time for other things i enjoy.

i need to care more about actually enjoying myself, or else, this hobby will just become work. i dont want that to happen.



[7:43 AM, 2/27/2024]

i feel like im living in the shadow of something, yknow? like i'm just perpetually stuck behind something else. i'm not sure how or why, it's just a feeling i get.

its a strange feeling, i dont really know how to describe it. maybe its the past, the present, the future, maybe its just nothing. i feel like no matter what, theres always something that keeps me in check. it reminds me why i cant live, maybe. theres one that could be holding me down, but im afraid to acknowledge it as such.

i think these thoughts came on after seeing people go through it themselves. associates, my own family, basically everyone i can't stand to be near. i've yet to see any example of healing, and so, i have no reason to believe in it. hurt is just something that holds you down forever, and while some learn to live with it, others can't rip it from their minds to save their own lives. i'm not sure which category i fit into anymore.

maybe i'm just growing too cruel of a person. life is complicated, i'm not sure if i wanna deal with that anymore. i can fuck around and lie all i want, but at the end of the day, i'm still stuck with a series of problems that i just can't bother to think about anymore. makes me feel lazy to admit, but i can't help but have lapses like this, i think. i'd say i'm only human, but people have told me otherwise, so i think i'll just leave it at that.

i'm looking at what i just fucking wrote, and i feel like i blacked out writing it. i need to get some work done.



[10:02 AM, 2/19/2024]

lately, ive been getting pushed a lot. i dont wanna talk that much about what happened, but it made me think a little, i guess.

sometimes i get worried that what i feel or what i think isnt justified, if that makes any sense. that i have no right to feel this down all the time. i still dont really find myself happy most of the time, but i feel guilty about it sometimes, as if i should be happy. as if i should just sweep everything under the rug, because to an outsider, things aren't as bad as they were. but i still get hurt, people still repeat their actions, and it makes me wonder if it really is better. i dont know if im making sense here, i feel like im not.

tldr, i feel like some loser, whos just faking this with no reason. that idea scares me, because it means that everything i feel right now, is just some lie i cant even understand. its fuckin scary tbh. i dont like it. i know i have reason, i know what did this to me, but sometimes it just feels like i have to defend my own right to be hurt. its hard to describe.

i just dont think i know myself well enough. its kind of a weird feeling, i guess. i have to stand through every day, watching my own abusers smile and laugh, and try to convince me that it's all over now. i know damn well that it's not over. they always go back to their old ways, it's a pattern that always repeats. they're nothing to put my trust in, if that makes sense. idk, i feel fuckin tired.

you ever get the innate urge to just fuck up your life? to give up all reason, and just do shit for the fun of it? i have that feeling a lot. just violent urges, i guess. against me, or things, or people, i dont know. maybe ill just go through with it, do some crazy shit for no reason. maybe like, get addicted to some shit off the street or something, see how i live with it. maybe go burn down a house or some shit, sleep around with people and see what happens. idk, i know thinking this shit is dumb. i just cant help it, i guess. sometimes, i just wanna destroy myself, and everything around me. it's fun, really. i wouldnt go through with it though. im not that bitchy.

idk, im probably just rambling again. i should take a nap.



[12:59 PM, 2/15/2024]

well, hope you idiots had a good valentines. i know i didnt, i dont celebrate it. not because im single. actually no yeah it is because im single, fuck.

i todays been kinda boring so far, yesterday was boring too. just the usual, people get on my nerves, i get tired, idk. i guess one thing sort of has been bothering me?? kinda??

basically, i have this ringing in my ears, that ive had ever since i was a kid. it was probably caused by some negligence on my parents part, since i was exposed to some pretty loud noises back when i was too young to have that. im talking like, music blasting through the house. it was fucking stupid, and i hold a bit of resentment towards it. its a reason why i stayed away from things like music for the longest time.

lately, the ringing has just gotten to me, i guess. it's sort of like, a haunting thing, kinda. its just making me a little frenzied, i guess. i dont wanna hear it anymore, its getting to me, a lot. last night before i fell asleep, i was just sort of like, scratching at my pillow, trying to drown it out. usually its fine, and i can ignore it, but it gets loud when nothing else is making noise. i hate it a lot. its fucking awful, i just want some silence, but im scared of actual silence now because i dont wanna be left with this fucking ringing. its just a harsh reminder of how fucked up i am, to me.

its like a lot of my problems. something deeply rooted, something that started in the past, and something that cant be changed. ive done some small research on this shit, and it looks like theres no cure. im stuck with this fucking noise for the rest of my life, and it makes me wanna drill holes into my own damn ears. im sick of this shit, it feels like torture, just a constant taunt of how some things can never be fixed. maybe im reading into it too much, maybe its only this bad because i attach it to those feelings, but fuck do i want it to end. i feel like im going crazy every time i start to hear it, my hands get shaky, and all i can do is just try and make any constant noise i can to distract myself from it. its like a lot of my problems, always there, never changing, and im always trying to avoid it. i feel like a freak.



[12:39 PM, 2/13/2024]

i'll be honest, i feel kinda inadequate sometimes, owning this site. like, im not really interesting of a person, i feel like i dont really deserve all this attention somehow. idk. like, i dont really have any skills, or a cool life, or anything deep to say. idk. i just really feel like i dont deserve much, and its kinda fucked up, i guess.

fuck it, maybe i should just talk about my daily life more, or something. not like much goes on in my daily life. i feel like if i spoke about it here, i'd be embarrassed, or feel like i'm talking about people behind their back. i have things i could and want to say about the people in my life, but i know it'd be harsh, and cold. i don't really like most people around me, they make me feel alone, i guess. like i'm an object.

i know someone who almost every time i talk to them, it feels like im being pressured to listen. theres always something wrong with them, and im always the one they turn to. its tiring, even if its not technically their fault. it just feels one-sided, like i wouldnt be able to do the same. i probably cant, anyway. theyve already expressed to me that they see my problems as lesser than theirs, as if im just some sort of poser. i dont wanna talk about my issues to someone who actively minimizes them.

its a great example of why i feel so isolated, why i feel like such an accessory to most people. i dread it, whenever they approach me. sometimes i wish they'd go away, or would follow up on all their constant threats of suicide. i know that's a cold and cruel way to look at it, but it's just tiring, being the sounding board for so many people, while i'm hurting too. deep inside, i feel like i don't really care for anyone, or myself anymore. i've been burned too much by all of them, and i know that shouldn't define the future, but i can't really help feeling it. i just feel like i wanna be alone nowadays, it's so draining.

i guess i just feel kinda bad too, for always writing downer stuff like this. i look at other people, writing about their lives, or just ideas and concepts. it's all so bright, so dazzling to me. all these beautiful people, with their lives, reveling in the glory they have now. meanwhile im just here, bitching about the usual like the unsatisfied whore i am. it makes me feel even more inadequate, like my life barely even counts as one. i just feel like i've done nothing, after all this time.

at the very least, ive been trying to see things more positively. im still brought down a lot, but, i try to remind myself that i dont really have a choice but to go through it. i doubt theres a bright future ahead of me, but at this point, i dont really have a reason to stop myself from reaching any future. i'm just trying my best to surrender to time, i guess. i still feel like im stuck in a cycle, but i'm starting to think that maybe it's one i dont mind being in. one i can survive, i guess. i dont know.

even then, i still feel inadequate. i shouldnt be this indifferent about living, but i cant really help it. its just pretty hard to care about things, to live the way you're told to. but i'll try, maybe.



[6:02 PM, 2/11/2024]

not much to really say here, i guess. idk, its hard to keep a diary when most of my days are the same. nothing interesting happened today, nothing interesting happened yesterday, etc. its tiresome.

ive been trying to make my writing a little more positive, i guess. ive read it myself, and a lot of my stuff just makes me sound like a downer. i am, but i wanna add some nuance to my writing. maybe highlight things i take comfort in, however few they might be.

i just feel very exhausted, i guess. like somethings weighing me down. hell, its even a little hard to breathe rn. im not sure why.



[7:54 AM, 2/5/2024]

well, its finally february. thats cool, i guess. i dont know, i dont really have much to say about it. the winters cold, i like it that way. still no snow, funnily enough. thought it would by now, but oh well.

i think i just feel dissatisfied with things again. like, everythings a social hierarchy, and im stuck at the bottom no matter what. people still push me around, get away with things i could never. i still dont really feel much positivity. and i still feel like an accessory to most. like people only keep around for what they want me to be. hell, a while back, someone straight-up told me they wanted me to be more "innocent". they said i was too edgy, or indifferent. yknow, just direct confirmation that here, people wont be satisfied with what you are. you have to be something else in order for anyone to love you, and i think im starting to resent that.

im probably wrong, or just going through another slump. but i wont force myself to be happy either, i cant really find many ways to do that anyway. i write what i want, so im learning how to do what i want too. i need to learn how to say no. i dont wanna be bossed around, i dont want people to talk to me just so they can talk about themselves. but i also know that despite all this, ill probably still fall back on my own word, and disappoint myself again. maybe i just need to pace myself more. just because im at my lowest, doesnt mean i have to rush for my highest. its a learning process, maybe.

i dont know, i just feel like im rambling, or something. like im being controlled, and i hate it.



[7:06 PM, 1/29/2024]

havent really been feeling well today. idk, i just feel down today.

days like this usually have that sort of effect on me, i guess. dark, dreary, gloomy skies. its just boring. tiresome, monotonous, whatever.

i feel scared, today. scared that i did something wrong. im not sure why. i just feel especially isolated, and hated today. my chest has felt tight the whole day, ive gone in and out of sleep constantly, and it even got a bit hard to breath. idk, i just feel so drained. soulless, maybe.

i still feel it rn, its suffocating. i wish i could just crush this feeling. get over it, somehow. im not sure. im tired. i hope tomorrows better.



[6:12 PM, 1/27/2024]

uh oh, looks like im starting to not feel good about myself again!! woohoo i love imposter syndrome

oh well, this is just a small entry for fun i guess. i feel a little down, but a little good too?? idk. i have energy for once, at least. i plan to maybe get a few big updates done soon, i wanna redo some more pages. im also super hyped about persona 3 reload finally releasing soon. i am gonna love that game.

not much else to say here, i think.



[8:19 AM, 1/23/2024]

some days i just feel inadequate, i guess. like i dont even deserve the emotions i feel. like im not really worthy of always feeling it. idk.

its not that big of a deal, i guess. its just something that really bugs me. it really gets to me, and im not sure why.

i dont know, ive just been going through a bout of emptiness lately. then again, when am i not. i just feel like everythings ahead of me, and theres no hope of me catching up.



[4:35 PM, 1/19/2024]

small update entry, nothing much going on. i dont wanna go into another introspective rant, since im tired, and kinda in a bad mood?? idk.

thinking of maybe taking a break, but every time i say that, i end up updating the site anyway. shits weird. oh well, i just kinda want some time off. i feel exhausted, yknow?? just very drained. its a lot of things, i think.

oh well, not a big deal, probably. im just a little burnt out.



[3:05 PM, 1/15/2024]

i feel heavy, today. very heavy. just not in the mood for much.

the air's cold, the sky's dreary, it's all just tiring. winter's my favorite season for this very reason, and yet, i dread it every time it comes. pretty damn ironic. oh well.

i feel like breaking something, or rather, someone. im tired of the same routines, the same troubles, the same damn talks over and over. i want to hear something new. i wish people would take the hint, and stop getting in my way. its tiresome, having to talk, and talk, and listen, and act. its dreadful. its just hard, having to live life while playing by the rules. sometimes i just wanna bite back, tear down everything around me. but i cant. it's just always bothering me.

every word, every look, every syllable. it just feels boring. not my style, not something id ever want to be around. idk, maybe im just generally pissed off. i need something to blow off steam.

i just dont feel good today. maybe theres something at the back of my mind again. maybe its my sadism acting up. maybe i just dont care.



[6:01 PM, 1/8/2024]

sometimes i feel like my life isnt mine, yknow?? idk, i just still have a lingering feeling that things arent how they should be. somethings wrong, but i cant tell what. i just look at the patterns of life around me, and i feel a little slighted. like, i dont know if this is ok.

the people around me have changed, somehow. or maybe ive changed. theyve grown into cycles, patterns, theyre predictable. i dont like that. theyre like shells of who they were, its so strange. its like they arent real.

my thoughts have changed. i feel small, yet confident. strong, yet vulnerable. theres an imbalance?? im not sure. its just a really weird feeling i get sometimes. im not who i wanna be, but i dont know what i wanna be. im just dissatisfied with myself, somehow. its not appearance, or thoughts, or emotions, or gender, its something far more complicated. something i will never change.

i hate this feeling. ive talked about it before, but its just so suffocating. i can function, but its always at the back of my head, reminding me of something i just cant get. idk, maybe i just want a restart. i hope i dont. i really do. im not dissatisfied with life, i just feel lacking in myself. im the problem. its fine, i dont feel bad, i just dont feel right. somethings missing.



[12:15 PM, 1/5/2024]

woo, first introspective entry of 2024. fuck it.

lately, ive been thinking about how i approach people. i think ive come to sort of a crossroads of it, if that makes any sense. like, i feel like ive changed somehow, but when i look at my behavior, i havent changed at all. im not any kinder, nor am i any more real with people who attempt to be close. im still as distant as ever, for the same set of reasons. its always either a fear of being hurt, a fear of hurting others, or a distinct lack of regard for others. my own coldness is what i feel like focusing on specifically, right now. its not like i hate people, or cant find interest in them. hell, theres people i wish i was close to. its just that the ones near me never seem to be enough. im too focused on my own ideals, i think.

i refer to people who fall under those categories as people i have to talk to. people who expect me to talk to them. people who feel entitled in one way or another that i should be as talkative or as accomodating as them. people who think they fully know me. shit like that. i think the main problem is that the people who often try to climb over my barriers, are people id rather stay away from. people who've hurt me before, people who are too focused on themselves, people who came to me out of impulse, people who expect me to be just like them. it feels like the only people i get along with, are the ones farthest away. the closer someone gets, the more i begin to hate them. mannerisms begin to annoy me, patterns show up that i dont like. its been that way for years, and i just cant get out of that cycle.

ive always feared being seen as an object. an accessory. and yet, with every bond that someone's tried to make with me, came a feeling of utter worthlessness. they wanted something they didnt get from me, i was cast for the wrong role. ive grown content with the fact that i cant please people. i dont want to anymore, i'll never be able to. i just dont know why nothing can please me, either. its not that big of a deal, im still fine with surface-level interactions, and i prefer to be alone most of the time. i just think this dilemma ive come to is an annoying one.

ive disassociated myself from many people, who otherwise tried to pull me in. some deserved it, some didnt. some i regret, some i never want to see again. it seems that whether its me reaching, or someone else, we both get hurt. i dont mind it, in some instances, i like seeing the other person suffer. i just find it strange. sometimes, i just find it so fucking hard to care for others, it makes me tired, and drained. i dont mind giving advice every now and then, but ive been situations where the only time someone ever talks to me is when they have problems, and it makes me feel small. i feel almost dehumanized, like i'm just an automated support system, for whenever some moron wants to rant about their childish issues to me again. forgive the scathing description, i'm just annoyed at the thought of it happening. it makes me feel dizzy.

i dont need a solution to any of these issues, im more focused on myself to really care. this problem is one that gives me style, anyway. part of me likes knowing that i'm essentially an ice queen, putting on a show of shallow confidence for anyone who gets too close. i just can't really understand why i feel empty, whenever i think on this.



[4:57 PM, 1/1/2024]

its 2024 now. cool, i guess. idk, i dont have too much to say rn, or anything interesting at least.

my goals for this year are to just do more stuff. i have some games i wanna get through, i wanna get back into regularly watching anime, shit like that. maybe ill broaden my music tastes even more, probably not though lol.

idk, im feeling pretty good today. kinda excited to get stuff done, actually. i wanna make this year a good one, because last one sure as hell wasnt good. i just wanna feel good this year. i sure do hope that statement wont age poorly in the coming months!!

oh well, i dont have too much to put here. whatever, lol



Some diary entries may contain heavy topics, such as suicide, depression, and self-harm.
Please read with caution.
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