My Diary...

[7:43 AM, 2/27/2024]

i feel like im living in the shadow of something, yknow? like i'm just perpetually stuck behind something else. i'm not sure how or why, it's just a feeling i get.

its a strange feeling, i dont really know how to describe it. maybe its the past, the present, the future, maybe its just nothing. i feel like no matter what, theres always something that keeps me in check. it reminds me why i cant live, maybe. theres one that could be holding me down, but im afraid to acknowledge it as such.

i think these thoughts came on after seeing people go through it themselves. associates, my own family, basically everyone i can't stand to be near. i've yet to see any example of healing, and so, i have no reason to believe in it. hurt it just something that holds you down forever, and while some learn to live with it, others can't rip it from their minds to save their own lives. i'm not sure which category i fit into anymore.

maybe i'm just growing too cruel of a person. life is complicated, i'm not sure if i wanna deal with that anymore. i can fuck around and lie all i want, but at the end of the day, i'm still stuck with a series of problems that i just can't bother to think about anymore. makes me feel lazy to admit, but i can't help but have lapses like this, i think. i'd say i'm only human, but people have told me otherwise, so i think i'll just leave it at that.

i'm looking at what i just fucking wrote, and i feel like i blacked out writing it. i need to get some work done.



[10:02 AM, 2/19/2024]

lately, ive been getting pushed a lot. i dont wanna talk that much about what happened, but it made me think a little, i guess.

sometimes i get worried that what i feel or what i think isnt justified, if that makes any sense. that i have no right to feel this down all the time. i still dont really find myself happy most of the time, but i feel guilty about it sometimes, as if i should be happy. as if i should just sweep everything under the rug, because to an outsider, things aren't as bad as they were. but i still get hurt, people still repeat their actions, and it makes me wonder if it really is better. i dont know if im making sense here, i feel like im not.

tldr, i feel like some loser, whos just faking this with no reason. that idea scares me, because it means that everything i feel right now, is just some lie i cant even understand. its fuckin scary tbh. i dont like it. i know i have reason, i know what did this to me, but sometimes it just feels like i have to defend my own right to be hurt. its hard to describe.

i just dont think i know myself well enough. its kind of a weird feeling, i guess. i have to stand through every day, watching my own abusers smile and laugh, and try to convince me that it's all over now. i know damn well that it's not over. they always go back to their old ways, it's a pattern that always repeats. they're nothing to put my trust in, if that makes sense. idk, i feel fuckin tired.

you ever get the innate urge to just fuck up your life? to give up all reason, and just do shit for the fun of it? i have that feeling a lot. just violent urges, i guess. against me, or things, or people, i dont know. maybe ill just go through with it, do some crazy shit for no reason. maybe like, get addicted to some shit off the street or something, see how i live with it. maybe go burn down a house or some shit, sleep around with people and see what happens. idk, i know thinking this shit is dumb. i just cant help it, i guess. sometimes, i just wanna destroy myself, and everything around me. it's fun, really. i wouldnt go through with it though. im not that bitchy.

idk, im probably just rambling again. i should take a nap.



[12:59 PM, 2/15/2024]

well, hope you idiots had a good valentines. i know i didnt, i dont celebrate it. not because im single. actually no yeah it is because im single, fuck.

i todays been kinda boring so far, yesterday was boring too. just the usual, people get on my nerves, i get tired, idk. i guess one thing sort of has been bothering me?? kinda??

basically, i have this ringing in my ears, that ive had ever since i was a kid. it was probably caused by some negligence on my parents part, since i was exposed to some pretty loud noises back when i was too young to have that. im talking like, music blasting through the house. it was fucking stupid, and i hold a bit of resentment towards it. its a reason why i stayed away from things like music for the longest time.

lately, the ringing has just gotten to me, i guess. it's sort of like, a haunting thing, kinda. its just making me a little frenzied, i guess. i dont wanna hear it anymore, its getting to me, a lot. last night before i fell asleep, i was just sort of like, scratching at my pillow, trying to drown it out. usually its fine, and i can ignore it, but it gets loud when nothing else is making noise. i hate it a lot. its fucking awful, i just want some silence, but im scared of actual silence now because i dont wanna be left with this fucking ringing. its just a harsh reminder of how fucked up i am, to me.

its like a lot of my problems. something deeply rooted, something that started in the past, and something that cant be changed. ive done some small research on this shit, and it looks like theres no cure. im stuck with this fucking noise for the rest of my life, and it makes me wanna drill holes into my own damn ears. im sick of this shit, it feels like torture, just a constant taunt of how some things can never be fixed. maybe im reading into it too much, maybe its only this bad because i attach it to those feelings, but fuck do i want it to end. i feel like im going crazy every time i start to hear it, my hands get shaky, and all i can do is just try and make any constant noise i can to distract myself from it. its like a lot of my problems, always there, never changing, and im always trying to avoid it. i feel like a freak.



[12:39 PM, 2/13/2024]

i'll be honest, i feel kinda inadequate sometimes, owning this site. like, im not really interesting of a person, i feel like i dont really deserve all this attention somehow. idk. like, i dont really have any skills, or a cool life, or anything deep to say. idk. i just really feel like i dont deserve much, and its kinda fucked up, i guess.

fuck it, maybe i should just talk about my daily life more, or something. not like much goes on in my daily life. i feel like if i spoke about it here, i'd be embarrassed, or feel like i'm talking about people behind their back. i have things i could and want to say about the people in my life, but i know it'd be harsh, and cold. i don't really like most people around me, they make me feel alone, i guess. like i'm an object.

i know someone who almost every time i talk to them, it feels like im being pressured to listen. theres always something wrong with them, and im always the one they turn to. its tiring, even if its not technically their fault. it just feels one-sided, like i wouldnt be able to do the same. i probably cant, anyway. theyve already expressed to me that they see my problems as lesser than theirs, as if im just some sort of poser. i dont wanna talk about my issues to someone who actively minimizes them.

its a great example of why i feel so isolated, why i feel like such an accessory to most people. i dread it, whenever they approach me. sometimes i wish they'd go away, or would follow up on all their constant threats of suicide. i know that's a cold and cruel way to look at it, but it's just tiring, being the sounding board for so many people, while i'm hurting too. deep inside, i feel like i don't really care for anyone, or myself anymore. i've been burned too much by all of them, and i know that shouldn't define the future, but i can't really help feeling it. i just feel like i wanna be alone nowadays, it's so draining.

i guess i just feel kinda bad too, for always writing downer stuff like this. i look at other people, writing about their lives, or just ideas and concepts. it's all so bright, so dazzling to me. all these beautiful people, with their lives, reveling in the glory they have now. meanwhile im just here, bitching about the usual like the unsatisfied whore i am. it makes me feel even more inadequate, like my life barely even counts as one. i just feel like i've done nothing, after all this time.

at the very least, ive been trying to see things more positively. im still brought down a lot, but, i try to remind myself that i dont really have a choice but to go through it. i doubt theres a bright future ahead of me, but at this point, i dont really have a reason to stop myself from reaching any future. i'm just trying my best to surrender to time, i guess. i still feel like im stuck in a cycle, but i'm starting to think that maybe it's one i dont mind being in. one i can survive, i guess. i dont know.

even then, i still feel inadequate. i shouldnt be this indifferent about living, but i cant really help it. its just pretty hard to care about things, to live the way you're told to. but i'll try, maybe.



[6:02 PM, 2/11/2024]

not much to really say here, i guess. idk, its hard to keep a diary when most of my days are the same. nothing interesting happened today, nothing interesting happened yesterday, etc. its tiresome.

ive been trying to make my writing a little more positive, i guess. ive read it myself, and a lot of my stuff just makes me sound like a downer. i am, but i wanna add some nuance to my writing. maybe highlight things i take comfort in, however few they might be.

i just feel very exhausted, i guess. like somethings weighing me down. hell, its even a little hard to breathe rn. im not sure why.



[7:54 AM, 2/5/2024]

well, its finally february. thats cool, i guess. i dont know, i dont really have much to say about it. the winters cold, i like it that way. still no snow, funnily enough. thought it would by now, but oh well.

i think i just feel dissatisfied with things again. like, everythings a social hierarchy, and im stuck at the bottom no matter what. people still push me around, get away with things i could never. i still dont really feel much positivity. and i still feel like an accessory to most. like people only keep around for what they want me to be. hell, a while back, someone straight-up told me they wanted me to be more "innocent". they said i was too edgy, or indifferent. yknow, just direct confirmation that here, people wont be satisfied with what you are. you have to be something else in order for anyone to love you, and i think im starting to resent that.

im probably wrong, or just going through another slump. but i wont force myself to be happy either, i cant really find many ways to do that anyway. i write what i want, so im learning how to do what i want too. i need to learn how to say no. i dont wanna be bossed around, i dont want people to talk to me just so they can talk about themselves. but i also know that despite all this, ill probably still fall back on my own word, and disappoint myself again. maybe i just need to pace myself more. just because im at my lowest, doesnt mean i have to rush for my highest. its a learning process, maybe.

i dont know, i just feel like im rambling, or something. like im being controlled, and i hate it.



[7:06 PM, 1/29/2024]

havent really been feeling well today. idk, i just feel down today.

days like this usually have that sort of effect on me, i guess. dark, dreary, gloomy skies. its just boring. tiresome, monotonous, whatever.

i feel scared, today. scared that i did something wrong. im not sure why. i just feel especially isolated, and hated today. my chest has felt tight the whole day, ive gone in and out of sleep constantly, and it even got a bit hard to breath. idk, i just feel so drained. soulless, maybe.

i still feel it rn, its suffocating. i wish i could just crush this feeling. get over it, somehow. im not sure. im tired. i hope tomorrows better.



[6:12 PM, 1/27/2024]

uh oh, looks like im starting to not feel good about myself again!! woohoo i love imposter syndrome

oh well, this is just a small entry for fun i guess. i feel a little down, but a little good too?? idk. i have energy for once, at least. i plan to maybe get a few big updates done soon, i wanna redo some more pages. im also super hyped about persona 3 reload finally releasing soon. i am gonna love that game.

not much else to say here, i think.



[8:19 AM, 1/23/2024]

some days i just feel inadequate, i guess. like i dont even deserve the emotions i feel. like im not really worthy of always feeling it. idk.

its not that big of a deal, i guess. its just something that really bugs me. it really gets to me, and im not sure why.

i dont know, ive just been going through a bout of emptiness lately. then again, when am i not. i just feel like everythings ahead of me, and theres no hope of me catching up.



[4:35 PM, 1/19/2024]

small update entry, nothing much going on. i dont wanna go into another introspective rant, since im tired, and kinda in a bad mood?? idk.

thinking of maybe taking a break, but every time i say that, i end up updating the site anyway. shits weird. oh well, i just kinda want some time off. i feel exhausted, yknow?? just very drained. its a lot of things, i think.

oh well, not a big deal, probably. im just a little burnt out.



[3:05 PM, 1/15/2024]

i feel heavy, today. very heavy. just not in the mood for much.

the air's cold, the sky's dreary, it's all just tiring. winter's my favorite season for this very reason, and yet, i dread it every time it comes. pretty damn ironic. oh well.

i feel like breaking something, or rather, someone. im tired of the same routines, the same troubles, the same damn talks over and over. i want to hear something new. i wish people would take the hint, and stop getting in my way. its tiresome, having to talk, and talk, and listen, and act. its dreadful. its just hard, having to live life while playing by the rules. sometimes i just wanna bite back, tear down everything around me. but i cant. it's just always bothering me.

every word, every look, every syllable. it just feels boring. not my style, not something id ever want to be around. idk, maybe im just generally pissed off. i need something to blow off steam.

i just dont feel good today. maybe theres something at the back of my mind again. maybe its my sadism acting up. maybe i just dont care.



[6:01 PM, 1/8/2024]

sometimes i feel like my life isnt mine, yknow?? idk, i just still have a lingering feeling that things arent how they should be. somethings wrong, but i cant tell what. i just look at the patterns of life around me, and i feel a little slighted. like, i dont know if this is ok.

the people around me have changed, somehow. or maybe ive changed. theyve grown into cycles, patterns, theyre predictable. i dont like that. theyre like shells of who they were, its so strange. its like they arent real.

my thoughts have changed. i feel small, yet confident. strong, yet vulnerable. theres an imbalance?? im not sure. its just a really weird feeling i get sometimes. im not who i wanna be, but i dont know what i wanna be. im just dissatisfied with myself, somehow. its not appearance, or thoughts, or emotions, or gender, its something far more complicated. something i will never change.

i hate this feeling. ive talked about it before, but its just so suffocating. i can function, but its always at the back of my head, reminding me of something i just cant get. idk, maybe i just want a restart. i hope i dont. i really do. im not dissatisfied with life, i just feel lacking in myself. im the problem. its fine, i dont feel bad, i just dont feel right. somethings missing.



[12:15 PM, 1/5/2024]

woo, first introspective entry of 2024. fuck it.

lately, ive been thinking about how i approach people. i think ive come to sort of a crossroads of it, if that makes any sense. like, i feel like ive changed somehow, but when i look at my behavior, i havent changed at all. im not any kinder, nor am i any more real with people who attempt to be close. im still as distant as ever, for the same set of reasons. its always either a fear of being hurt, a fear of hurting others, or a distinct lack of regard for others. my own coldness is what i feel like focusing on specifically, right now. its not like i hate people, or cant find interest in them. hell, theres people i wish i was close to. its just that the ones near me never seem to be enough. im too focused on my own ideals, i think.

i refer to people who fall under those categories as people i have to talk to. people who expect me to talk to them. people who feel entitled in one way or another that i should be as talkative or as accomodating as them. people who think they fully know me. shit like that. i think the main problem is that the people who often try to climb over my barriers, are people id rather stay away from. people who've hurt me before, people who are too focused on themselves, people who came to me out of impulse, people who expect me to be just like them. it feels like the only people i get along with, are the ones farthest away. the closer someone gets, the more i begin to hate them. mannerisms begin to annoy me, patterns show up that i dont like. its been that way for years, and i just cant get out of that cycle.

ive always feared being seen as an object. an accessory. and yet, with every bond that someone's tried to make with me, came a feeling of utter worthlessness. they wanted something they didnt get from me, i was cast for the wrong role. ive grown content with the fact that i cant please people. i dont want to anymore, i'll never be able to. i just dont know why nothing can please me, either. its not that big of a deal, im still fine with surface-level interactions, and i prefer to be alone most of the time. i just think this dilemma ive come to is an annoying one.

ive disassociated myself from many people, who otherwise tried to pull me in. some deserved it, some didnt. some i regret, some i never want to see again. it seems that whether its me reaching, or someone else, we both get hurt. i dont mind it, in some instances, i like seeing the other person suffer. i just find it strange. sometimes, i just find it so fucking hard to care for others, it makes me tired, and drained. i dont mind giving advice every now and then, but ive been situations where the only time someone ever talks to me is when they have problems, and it makes me feel small. i feel almost dehumanized, like i'm just an automated support system, for whenever some moron wants to rant about their childish issues to me again. forgive the scathing description, i'm just annoyed at the thought of it happening. it makes me feel dizzy.

i dont need a solution to any of these issues, im more focused on myself to really care. this problem is one that gives me style, anyway. part of me likes knowing that i'm essentially an ice queen, putting on a show of shallow confidence for anyone who gets too close. i just can't really understand why i feel empty, whenever i think on this.



[4:57 PM, 1/1/2024]

its 2024 now. cool, i guess. idk, i dont have too much to say rn, or anything interesting at least.

my goals for this year are to just do more stuff. i have some games i wanna get through, i wanna get back into regularly watching anime, shit like that. maybe ill broaden my music tastes even more, probably not though lol.

idk, im feeling pretty good today. kinda excited to get stuff done, actually. i wanna make this year a good one, because last one sure as hell wasnt good. i just wanna feel good this year. i sure do hope that statement wont age poorly in the coming months!!

oh well, i dont have too much to put here. whatever, lol



[7:43 AM, 2/27/2024]

i feel like im living in the shadow of something, yknow? like i'm just perpetually stuck behind something else. i'm not sure how or why, it's just a feeling i get.

its a strange feeling, i dont really know how to describe it. maybe its the past, the present, the future, maybe its just nothing. i feel like no matter what, theres always something that keeps me in check. it reminds me why i cant live, maybe. theres one that could be holding me down, but im afraid to acknowledge it as such.

i think these thoughts came on after seeing people go through it themselves. associates, my own family, basically everyone i can't stand to be near. i've yet to see any example of healing, and so, i have no reason to believe in it. hurt it just something that holds you down forever, and while some learn to live with it, others can't rip it from their minds to save their own lives. i'm not sure which category i fit into anymore.

maybe i'm just growing too cruel of a person. life is complicated, i'm not sure if i wanna deal with that anymore. i can fuck around and lie all i want, but at the end of the day, i'm still stuck with a series of problems that i just can't bother to think about anymore. makes me feel lazy to admit, but i can't help but have lapses like this, i think. i'd say i'm only human, but people have told me otherwise, so i think i'll just leave it at that.

i'm looking at what i just fucking wrote, and i feel like i blacked out writing it. i need to get some work done.



[10:02 AM, 2/19/2024]

lately, ive been getting pushed a lot. i dont wanna talk that much about what happened, but it made me think a little, i guess.

sometimes i get worried that what i feel or what i think isnt justified, if that makes any sense. that i have no right to feel this down all the time. i still dont really find myself happy most of the time, but i feel guilty about it sometimes, as if i should be happy. as if i should just sweep everything under the rug, because to an outsider, things aren't as bad as they were. but i still get hurt, people still repeat their actions, and it makes me wonder if it really is better. i dont know if im making sense here, i feel like im not.

tldr, i feel like some loser, whos just faking this with no reason. that idea scares me, because it means that everything i feel right now, is just some lie i cant even understand. its fuckin scary tbh. i dont like it. i know i have reason, i know what did this to me, but sometimes it just feels like i have to defend my own right to be hurt. its hard to describe.

i just dont think i know myself well enough. its kind of a weird feeling, i guess. i have to stand through every day, watching my own abusers smile and laugh, and try to convince me that it's all over now. i know damn well that it's not over. they always go back to their old ways, it's a pattern that always repeats. they're nothing to put my trust in, if that makes sense. idk, i feel fuckin tired.

you ever get the innate urge to just fuck up your life? to give up all reason, and just do shit for the fun of it? i have that feeling a lot. just violent urges, i guess. against me, or things, or people, i dont know. maybe ill just go through with it, do some crazy shit for no reason. maybe like, get addicted to some shit off the street or something, see how i live with it. maybe go burn down a house or some shit, sleep around with people and see what happens. idk, i know thinking this shit is dumb. i just cant help it, i guess. sometimes, i just wanna destroy myself, and everything around me. it's fun, really. i wouldnt go through with it though. im not that bitchy.

idk, im probably just rambling again. i should take a nap.



[12:59 PM, 2/15/2024]

well, hope you idiots had a good valentines. i know i didnt, i dont celebrate it. not because im single. actually no yeah it is because im single, fuck.

i todays been kinda boring so far, yesterday was boring too. just the usual, people get on my nerves, i get tired, idk. i guess one thing sort of has been bothering me?? kinda??

basically, i have this ringing in my ears, that ive had ever since i was a kid. it was probably caused by some negligence on my parents part, since i was exposed to some pretty loud noises back when i was too young to have that. im talking like, music blasting through the house. it was fucking stupid, and i hold a bit of resentment towards it. its a reason why i stayed away from things like music for the longest time.

lately, the ringing has just gotten to me, i guess. it's sort of like, a haunting thing, kinda. its just making me a little frenzied, i guess. i dont wanna hear it anymore, its getting to me, a lot. last night before i fell asleep, i was just sort of like, scratching at my pillow, trying to drown it out. usually its fine, and i can ignore it, but it gets loud when nothing else is making noise. i hate it a lot. its fucking awful, i just want some silence, but im scared of actual silence now because i dont wanna be left with this fucking ringing. its just a harsh reminder of how fucked up i am, to me.

its like a lot of my problems. something deeply rooted, something that started in the past, and something that cant be changed. ive done some small research on this shit, and it looks like theres no cure. im stuck with this fucking noise for the rest of my life, and it makes me wanna drill holes into my own damn ears. im sick of this shit, it feels like torture, just a constant taunt of how some things can never be fixed. maybe im reading into it too much, maybe its only this bad because i attach it to those feelings, but fuck do i want it to end. i feel like im going crazy every time i start to hear it, my hands get shaky, and all i can do is just try and make any constant noise i can to distract myself from it. its like a lot of my problems, always there, never changing, and im always trying to avoid it. i feel like a freak.



[12:39 PM, 2/13/2024]

i'll be honest, i feel kinda inadequate sometimes, owning this site. like, im not really interesting of a person, i feel like i dont really deserve all this attention somehow. idk. like, i dont really have any skills, or a cool life, or anything deep to say. idk. i just really feel like i dont deserve much, and its kinda fucked up, i guess.

fuck it, maybe i should just talk about my daily life more, or something. not like much goes on in my daily life. i feel like if i spoke about it here, i'd be embarrassed, or feel like i'm talking about people behind their back. i have things i could and want to say about the people in my life, but i know it'd be harsh, and cold. i don't really like most people around me, they make me feel alone, i guess. like i'm an object.

i know someone who almost every time i talk to them, it feels like im being pressured to listen. theres always something wrong with them, and im always the one they turn to. its tiring, even if its not technically their fault. it just feels one-sided, like i wouldnt be able to do the same. i probably cant, anyway. theyve already expressed to me that they see my problems as lesser than theirs, as if im just some sort of poser. i dont wanna talk about my issues to someone who actively minimizes them.

its a great example of why i feel so isolated, why i feel like such an accessory to most people. i dread it, whenever they approach me. sometimes i wish they'd go away, or would follow up on all their constant threats of suicide. i know that's a cold and cruel way to look at it, but it's just tiring, being the sounding board for so many people, while i'm hurting too. deep inside, i feel like i don't really care for anyone, or myself anymore. i've been burned too much by all of them, and i know that shouldn't define the future, but i can't really help feeling it. i just feel like i wanna be alone nowadays, it's so draining.

i guess i just feel kinda bad too, for always writing downer stuff like this. i look at other people, writing about their lives, or just ideas and concepts. it's all so bright, so dazzling to me. all these beautiful people, with their lives, reveling in the glory they have now. meanwhile im just here, bitching about the usual like the unsatisfied whore i am. it makes me feel even more inadequate, like my life barely even counts as one. i just feel like i've done nothing, after all this time.

at the very least, ive been trying to see things more positively. im still brought down a lot, but, i try to remind myself that i dont really have a choice but to go through it. i doubt theres a bright future ahead of me, but at this point, i dont really have a reason to stop myself from reaching any future. i'm just trying my best to surrender to time, i guess. i still feel like im stuck in a cycle, but i'm starting to think that maybe it's one i dont mind being in. one i can survive, i guess. i dont know.

even then, i still feel inadequate. i shouldnt be this indifferent about living, but i cant really help it. its just pretty hard to care about things, to live the way you're told to. but i'll try, maybe.



[6:02 PM, 2/11/2024]

not much to really say here, i guess. idk, its hard to keep a diary when most of my days are the same. nothing interesting happened today, nothing interesting happened yesterday, etc. its tiresome.

ive been trying to make my writing a little more positive, i guess. ive read it myself, and a lot of my stuff just makes me sound like a downer. i am, but i wanna add some nuance to my writing. maybe highlight things i take comfort in, however few they might be.

i just feel very exhausted, i guess. like somethings weighing me down. hell, its even a little hard to breathe rn. im not sure why.



[7:54 AM, 2/5/2024]

well, its finally february. thats cool, i guess. i dont know, i dont really have much to say about it. the winters cold, i like it that way. still no snow, funnily enough. thought it would by now, but oh well.

i think i just feel dissatisfied with things again. like, everythings a social hierarchy, and im stuck at the bottom no matter what. people still push me around, get away with things i could never. i still dont really feel much positivity. and i still feel like an accessory to most. like people only keep around for what they want me to be. hell, a while back, someone straight-up told me they wanted me to be more "innocent". they said i was too edgy, or indifferent. yknow, just direct confirmation that here, people wont be satisfied with what you are. you have to be something else in order for anyone to love you, and i think im starting to resent that.

im probably wrong, or just going through another slump. but i wont force myself to be happy either, i cant really find many ways to do that anyway. i write what i want, so im learning how to do what i want too. i need to learn how to say no. i dont wanna be bossed around, i dont want people to talk to me just so they can talk about themselves. but i also know that despite all this, ill probably still fall back on my own word, and disappoint myself again. maybe i just need to pace myself more. just because im at my lowest, doesnt mean i have to rush for my highest. its a learning process, maybe.

i dont know, i just feel like im rambling, or something. like im being controlled, and i hate it.



[7:06 PM, 1/29/2024]

havent really been feeling well today. idk, i just feel down today.

days like this usually have that sort of effect on me, i guess. dark, dreary, gloomy skies. its just boring. tiresome, monotonous, whatever.

i feel scared, today. scared that i did something wrong. im not sure why. i just feel especially isolated, and hated today. my chest has felt tight the whole day, ive gone in and out of sleep constantly, and it even got a bit hard to breath. idk, i just feel so drained. soulless, maybe.

i still feel it rn, its suffocating. i wish i could just crush this feeling. get over it, somehow. im not sure. im tired. i hope tomorrows better.



[6:12 PM, 1/27/2024]

uh oh, looks like im starting to not feel good about myself again!! woohoo i love imposter syndrome

oh well, this is just a small entry for fun i guess. i feel a little down, but a little good too?? idk. i have energy for once, at least. i plan to maybe get a few big updates done soon, i wanna redo some more pages. im also super hyped about persona 3 reload finally releasing soon. i am gonna love that game.

not much else to say here, i think.



[8:19 AM, 1/23/2024]

some days i just feel inadequate, i guess. like i dont even deserve the emotions i feel. like im not really worthy of always feeling it. idk.

its not that big of a deal, i guess. its just something that really bugs me. it really gets to me, and im not sure why.

i dont know, ive just been going through a bout of emptiness lately. then again, when am i not. i just feel like everythings ahead of me, and theres no hope of me catching up.



[4:35 PM, 1/19/2024]

small update entry, nothing much going on. i dont wanna go into another introspective rant, since im tired, and kinda in a bad mood?? idk.

thinking of maybe taking a break, but every time i say that, i end up updating the site anyway. shits weird. oh well, i just kinda want some time off. i feel exhausted, yknow?? just very drained. its a lot of things, i think.

oh well, not a big deal, probably. im just a little burnt out.



[3:05 PM, 1/15/2024]

i feel heavy, today. very heavy. just not in the mood for much.

the air's cold, the sky's dreary, it's all just tiring. winter's my favorite season for this very reason, and yet, i dread it every time it comes. pretty damn ironic. oh well.

i feel like breaking something, or rather, someone. im tired of the same routines, the same troubles, the same damn talks over and over. i want to hear something new. i wish people would take the hint, and stop getting in my way. its tiresome, having to talk, and talk, and listen, and act. its dreadful. its just hard, having to live life while playing by the rules. sometimes i just wanna bite back, tear down everything around me. but i cant. it's just always bothering me.

every word, every look, every syllable. it just feels boring. not my style, not something id ever want to be around. idk, maybe im just generally pissed off. i need something to blow off steam.

i just dont feel good today. maybe theres something at the back of my mind again. maybe its my sadism acting up. maybe i just dont care.



[6:01 PM, 1/8/2024]

sometimes i feel like my life isnt mine, yknow?? idk, i just still have a lingering feeling that things arent how they should be. somethings wrong, but i cant tell what. i just look at the patterns of life around me, and i feel a little slighted. like, i dont know if this is ok.

the people around me have changed, somehow. or maybe ive changed. theyve grown into cycles, patterns, theyre predictable. i dont like that. theyre like shells of who they were, its so strange. its like they arent real.

my thoughts have changed. i feel small, yet confident. strong, yet vulnerable. theres an imbalance?? im not sure. its just a really weird feeling i get sometimes. im not who i wanna be, but i dont know what i wanna be. im just dissatisfied with myself, somehow. its not appearance, or thoughts, or emotions, or gender, its something far more complicated. something i will never change.

i hate this feeling. ive talked about it before, but its just so suffocating. i can function, but its always at the back of my head, reminding me of something i just cant get. idk, maybe i just want a restart. i hope i dont. i really do. im not dissatisfied with life, i just feel lacking in myself. im the problem. its fine, i dont feel bad, i just dont feel right. somethings missing.



[12:15 PM, 1/5/2024]

woo, first introspective entry of 2024. fuck it.

lately, ive been thinking about how i approach people. i think ive come to sort of a crossroads of it, if that makes any sense. like, i feel like ive changed somehow, but when i look at my behavior, i havent changed at all. im not any kinder, nor am i any more real with people who attempt to be close. im still as distant as ever, for the same set of reasons. its always either a fear of being hurt, a fear of hurting others, or a distinct lack of regard for others. my own coldness is what i feel like focusing on specifically, right now. its not like i hate people, or cant find interest in them. hell, theres people i wish i was close to. its just that the ones near me never seem to be enough. im too focused on my own ideals, i think.

i refer to people who fall under those categories as people i have to talk to. people who expect me to talk to them. people who feel entitled in one way or another that i should be as talkative or as accomodating as them. people who think they fully know me. shit like that. i think the main problem is that the people who often try to climb over my barriers, are people id rather stay away from. people who've hurt me before, people who are too focused on themselves, people who came to me out of impulse, people who expect me to be just like them. it feels like the only people i get along with, are the ones farthest away. the closer someone gets, the more i begin to hate them. mannerisms begin to annoy me, patterns show up that i dont like. its been that way for years, and i just cant get out of that cycle.

ive always feared being seen as an object. an accessory. and yet, with every bond that someone's tried to make with me, came a feeling of utter worthlessness. they wanted something they didnt get from me, i was cast for the wrong role. ive grown content with the fact that i cant please people. i dont want to anymore, i'll never be able to. i just dont know why nothing can please me, either. its not that big of a deal, im still fine with surface-level interactions, and i prefer to be alone most of the time. i just think this dilemma ive come to is an annoying one.

ive disassociated myself from many people, who otherwise tried to pull me in. some deserved it, some didnt. some i regret, some i never want to see again. it seems that whether its me reaching, or someone else, we both get hurt. i dont mind it, in some instances, i like seeing the other person suffer. i just find it strange. sometimes, i just find it so fucking hard to care for others, it makes me tired, and drained. i dont mind giving advice every now and then, but ive been situations where the only time someone ever talks to me is when they have problems, and it makes me feel small. i feel almost dehumanized, like i'm just an automated support system, for whenever some moron wants to rant about their childish issues to me again. forgive the scathing description, i'm just annoyed at the thought of it happening. it makes me feel dizzy.

i dont need a solution to any of these issues, im more focused on myself to really care. this problem is one that gives me style, anyway. part of me likes knowing that i'm essentially an ice queen, putting on a show of shallow confidence for anyone who gets too close. i just can't really understand why i feel empty, whenever i think on this.



[4:57 PM, 1/1/2024]

its 2024 now. cool, i guess. idk, i dont have too much to say rn, or anything interesting at least.

my goals for this year are to just do more stuff. i have some games i wanna get through, i wanna get back into regularly watching anime, shit like that. maybe ill broaden my music tastes even more, probably not though lol.

idk, im feeling pretty good today. kinda excited to get stuff done, actually. i wanna make this year a good one, because last one sure as hell wasnt good. i just wanna feel good this year. i sure do hope that statement wont age poorly in the coming months!!

oh well, i dont have too much to put here. whatever, lol



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