Man, it's already almost New Year's, huh. It's been a rough year, a shitty year. It's strange, really. I started the year off, having thought I had solutions to my problems. I thought I had friends, I thought I had found myself. Over the course of this year, I found out those were all just lies. I watched as everything fell away from me. My family broke more and more. I saw my friends turn, and I left them all. I'm sure I let them down, leaving without a word. But, I wanted it that way. They didn't want me, and I don't need them. I wish I could say this was a good year, but it wasn't. Every day, it just felt like I was being fucked around. I had to watch as my life fell into shambles, all while the people I was supposed to rely on did nothing for me. They only used me, and the few people I know still only use me. I wish I wasn't alone. I used to look out my window, and watch life go by. I'd see freedom, normalcy, happiness. I saw families driving by, without a tinge of hatred on their lips. I saw friends walking home from school, enjoying each other's company. I saw birds resting on the wires above, only to fly off into the sky, basking in their freedom. And at night came the moon, looking down at everything else. It's only able to watch from a distance. It's stuck in the sky, isolated from everything below. It can't come down here. It'll be destroyed if it does. I understand what that's like. I don't have that window anymore, though. That house is gone. I can't even find solace in isolation anymore. A lot of days, I try to hype myself up. I tell myself this is how I want things, that no matter how many scars I get, I'll be fine. Thing is, there comes a point where that becomes a lie. I think about the people I've left, the things I've lost, the decisions I didn't make, the time wasted. And I cry. I don't know why anymore. I want to be noticed. I want to be seen. But, I can't. I wish I had people, maybe even one person to stick by me. Every bond I've had was fake. Either I was lying, or they were. I wish I had some real connections. But I know I'm not supposed to. I'll be hurt again. That's what they all did. They weren't for me. I left the last of my "friends" on my own accord, but I still think of them. They didn't care for me, not one bit, but I wanna go back. Maybe some sick part of me thinks that they'll appreciate me this time. I enjoyed that fake sense of friendhsip. I became addicted to it. I don't need it anymore, but I still want it. Fuck, I'm tired. I've tried to meet new people, I've tried to reach out. But I can't. It's hard to talk to people. Everyone ignores me, or doesn't know how to approach me. Likewise, I don't know how to approach them. Guess that's what being a shut-in does to you. I always either don't talk enough, or talk too much. They say things I don't understand, and it makes me feel like an outsider. I am an outsider. Maybe I'll get into some niche online community, or something. People in the otherkin community are nice. I've always wanted to join a D&D guild too. Maybe I'll make one of those online Pokemon league things. Who the fuck am I kidding, that won't happen. I can't do that. I'm not supposed to do that. I won't feel that pain again. It'd be a fruitless effort, trying to reach out again. All I have to do is be on my own. But that's hard too. I'm tired of being indecisive. What was I even talking about when I started this? Oh right. This year. I hated it. I don't wanna fucking think anymore. Everything sounds loud. I wish I could fucking sleep this off or some shit, but I can't. It never leaves. My emotions are the only things that never leave me. I wish they did. I don't wanna feel anymore, I'm not used to feeling, I don't know what to do with this. I wish I did. Maybe I should just forget this again. I'll leave this behind. Fuck, why am I even writing this here? This should go in the Nightwatch. Fuck it. I'll keep it here, I'm not gonna be using this category much anyways after this. I'm done.

Sometimes, I feel so down, that I wanna say something, and put it into words, but I just can't. I don't know, maybe I do have the words, but I feel like I don't. I always feel so pressured, so helpless, so undone. Maybe I'm too far in with my bitterness, maybe this is just my life now. It's always been a struggle, and It's always been restrictive, it's always been a life filled with hatred. I wish the people around me could make it easier, but they won't. I should just try to forget this for now. I'll just let this feeling slip by me like everything else.

I've been updating the site a lot, lately. I have like, a shit ton of designs for what the index page could look like, but I'm not sure which to pick from. To be honest, I'm tempted to lean even more into the web 1.0 aesthetic rather than making my own, but I also want this site to be unique, and not just 2004 tripod page remake #482. Not that those sites are bad, I love them. I just wanna be myself when making this site, though I guess that's hard, considering how fucked up my view on individuality is. Oh well. Ngl, I forgot what my point was here. Time to go back to making spaghetti code. Woohoo Oh, and this site's about to hit 3k views. Thanks, I don't deserve it.

I've been looking at a lot of other Neocities websites for inspiration, and to be honest, it makes me feel kinda small. Everyone's making these super cool websites, with all sorts of cool features, and games, and links, and webrings, and all that cool shit. I'm just some kid who took a crash course in HTML by looking over websites in inspect element. I'm nothing special, and neither is this site, to be honest. I know that this is already impressive by my standards, but I wanna do more. Maybe I'm just not used to my best being good enough. Not like anything I do is good enough. If I gave 100%, I'd be scolded for not giving 200%. Maybe it's time for a change. Too bad I hate change.

Third blog, woohoo. Y'know, as I've been building this site, I've been looking at a lot of actual old geocities sites from the lates 90s and early 00s. Honestly, it makes me kinda sad to look at them. The reason why I chose such a huge web 1.0 aesthetic for this site is because I like the melancholy that comes with them. In a way, websites back then are a lost art. They were unpolished, unprofessional, and usually extremely personal. Websites aren't like that anymore. Gone are the days of neon-colored anime fansites covered in gifs, or edgy goth websites filled with vampire-centric poetry. For some reason, I feel a little sad whenever I see sites like these, knowing that they can only be barely replicated nowadays. I look at the lives of the people who ran them, and wonder where they went, what they did. I found an anime-themed blog ran by a girl in high school, who would blog about vacations with her family, and starting a cosplay club with her friends. I found a Pokemon fansite ran by two friends, eager to uncover every mystery the original games had to hold. I found a page dedicated to someone's wedding, filled with songs, and pictures of families having a great time. Sometimes, I think about those people, and I wonder where they went. Did that girl's cosplay club ever go anywhere? Do those two friends even still know each other? Is that couple still married? Just like the websites they made, their histories have been lost and forgotten. I wonder if they think about those websites they made, their pasts, and how they've faded away. How they'll never get those times back. It makes me think of the small things I've lost from my past. Not anything serious, just, small bits of things that kept me going. I remember going to flash game websites, playing whatever crazy titles they had. I remember this one Sonic RPG on there I could never beat, filled with a hilariously edgy story and OC. I remember going on early YouTube, seeing all the amateur content on there. I remember channels like Fred, Smosh, even KevJumba, if anyone remembers that guy. I would watch old Pokemon and Sonic AMVs, set to whatever edgy love song was trendy at the time. I would watch old Roblox videos, usually just kids screwing around in some random game they made. I remember Newgrounds fanseries, stuff like Mario Bros. Z, Zelda Unknown Origins, etc. All of that's gone now. Those flash games don't work anymore, those old YouTube channels are abandoned, those fanseries were never finished. All of that got lost, and I can't get that stuff back. I wasn't privileged enough to have a super interesting past in terms of real life, so that stuff was kinda all I had. But now, the culture surrounding it, the mindset that formed it, the people invested in it. It's all gone. I don't know why, but that hurts a little.

Last blog was literally just a few lines of text, so here's an actual blog. Lately, I moved to a small house for reasons I'll probably say in . It's not bad here, but compared to the house I left, it isn't shit. I don't even have a room here. I sleep on the fucking couch now. Other than that, nothing really interesting has happened lately, other than some shit that would again belong in The Nightwatch. Oh well. I guess it's hard posting interesting things about yourself when you literally can't go outside by yourself. Shut-in moment. Maybe later I'll post interesting stuff that's happened to me in the past. I've been updating this site non-stop for the past 2 days now, so I'm gonna take a break for a little bit. Ngl, making this site went pretty smoothly, and I understood the coding parts a lot better than I thought I would. Btw, this site has just hit over 1,000 views, and I think that's pretty cool. Thanks for even looking at this place!

Updated the site a lot. Added a bunch of new pages. This is the first blog. I don't feel good.